The Things I'll Confess To When I'm Drunk. Also, The Things I'd Be Willing To Do

It took 7 years to finally admit that...I love sex. 

Its nothing to be ashamed of. I finally realize that. Granted, my beginnings were...less than humble.When I turned 16 I decided I wouldn't let what happened to me define the rest of my life. Or define what I do with my own body. A lot of people put me through hell because of it over the years and I got depressed, went into hiding. Stopped being the usual silly me I always am but then when I came back out and realized that I wasn't much of a target anymore, I was happy (okay not really happy, more like I was beginning to be okay with myself) Then when I married Fox last year it got cemented that my sex life was nothing to feel bad about. I love sex. I've also had a lot of sex and that's perfectly fine. The minute I admitted that to myself, the more relief I felt inside. I'm not ashamed of my past anymore. 

And all this following some drunken confessions. Jah know? I'm not glad for the hangover but I'm glad I opened up and got to a level of comfort. I have a big appetite and only Jah he knows why I'm starving myself but I'm guessing in the long run it'll help me. I not going celibate (I don't think I can stomach that yet but we'll see) Maybe it'll even help my patience with I-Know-Who. Whatever it is....its cool with me. And I'm no longer ashamed. Yay!! Also; thanks to the person I made those confessions to. Therapeutic in a sense. Big up yuhself. 

Blessed Be

~Panda-Randa~

New Loves? Let's See

If I were to estimate the time it would take for me to fall out of love with Fox...I wouldn't tell you because I already am. But part of me is afraid to pull the plug. I can think up a few good reasons our relationship doesn't work anymore. And I'll start from the beginning.

1. He's not romantic with me. Why? Because all his romancing days were around the same time I was just starting prep school so he's outgrown it.
2. We don't go out. We've been to 2 raves since we started talking. He doesn't wanna go out with me because (once again) he feels he's outgrown the party scene. The last time I tried to get him to go out with me n he said no, I got robbed. He just has it in his head that he's completely ancient and doesn't wanna do what us young folks are doing.
3. I'm bored. All we do at home is watch movies, have sex, not eat, I have to watch him play X-Box and when I'm tired of all that, I fall asleep, wake up back and he's STILL on the X-Box. There's absolutely nothing to do.
4. I'm beginning to lose interest in him. Why? See reasons 1-3

But now that I've told why it doesn't work, lemme think of reasons why it DOES work

1. He makes me laugh. I mean he's silly like me on occasion and I like that
2. He's been through it and still came out strong and he has a story to tell and I love hearing it.
3. He's taught me things that I doubt I'd be able to grasp on my own had I not met him
4. We can reason...well sometimes. I like having someone to talk to, though most of the time I do all the listening. But I like listening; on occasion.

I'm not entirely sure what to do but I know how I feel. I think the reason I keep waiting is because I feel like if I give it enough time I may really love him again but its been a month already and I still feel nothing. I took my wedding ring off my chain as a test to see if I'd realize that every time I went to get hold of it, it wasn't there. But I don't reach for it anymore. I met some people that I'm really interested in and they bring out the fun side of me. I haven't seen that part of me in a long time and I was beginning to miss that side. The first person I'll call ST (to uphold the privacy) I met ST at a bar one Tuesday night and invited a concert that following Friday. It was a full moon out and we (and most of our other friends) were at our sensual peaks. But not me. Why? Because I was having some health issues so I wasn't quite at my best. But there was an obvious attraction there between us both. The issue was..our age gap. (He's younger than I am, by a decent amount) I only lied to him about one thing though; my relationship status (he still doesn't know) One night he asked if I wanted to get serious with him. I said I couldn't because I'm at a place where I'm trying to find myself. See wheat qualities in me need to change so I can become a better girlfriend when the time comes. So I'd rather take it slow and have fun. So we agreed. But the next week I find out that he's too much of a flirt and a relationship with him would never work because I'd be hurt constantly and he'd never want to to that. I can't get into the complete story cuz I'm strapped for time. Recently we have been getting closer and I feel a lot better than I did in the beginning. We're definitely doing great but we're still not together. That agreement was made that we could never work.

I met another interesting person that makes me feel just as good as ST does. I'll call him AC. I met AC at a club the first time I was there (and if I search my memory bank correctly I'm sure I met him somewhere else too) but then I didn't take much notice really until it was time for me to go home. He was very kind, soft-spoken (which I like) and a conversationalist. I had a slight interest in him then but not enough to be completely taken over. Then the next time I saw him was at a party in "Havendale" that I kinda got dragged to. We got to talking about a certain topic and I gave my honest input and that's where the conversation and closeness grew. He took care of me when I was drunk/high. Made sure that I was fed and hydrated (I'm diabetic for those who don't know) and made sure I got home safely. I'll always be grateful to him for that one gesture because not a lot of people would do that for someone they barely know so his cool points definitely quadrupled right there. We got to "talking" some more and I realize that...I'm really digging this cat. Like he's telling me about what his plans for the future are and what he wants to do before he retired and I'm honestly captivated and motivated to be just like him when I grow up. He has his head on his shoulders, he's gorgeous, granted, not the criteria I'd usually go for in a guy but in his own way he just makes me weak) He brings out the kitten in me *rawr* and I love hearing him talk. BUT him is a hard man fi reach more time. But I understand why cuz he's sooooo busy and I don't want him to miss a beat in his business life because he stopped to talk to me. BUT I would appreciate if he'd acknowledge the fact that people are trying to get a hold of him. But I digress. I feel like I'd want him to keep me and his words were "As long as you keep it real with me, we ain't got no problems" He got me to expose my dark truths, he's seen my true vulnerability and he doesn't judge me. While Fox would tell me to not think about the memories from my dark day, AC tells me to embrace them. Live each moment knowing that THIS is how Ricky would want me to live. Happy. Not caring what anyone thinks of you. Loving everything and everyone but never above yourself. I respect IB very much for giving me that bit of advice. And honestly? I feel myself falling for him a little bit. But I don't wanna jinx anything so I'ma take my time. Get to know him better and see where it all goes. There will come a time when I'd maybe have to choose who I wanna be with.

I'll tell you then what happens.
Blesses Be
Amanda

My Heart Keeps Telling Me Otherwise

I know the risks. I know we’re bad. But for some reason, I can’t find myself despising you. Can’t do what you want, I can’t do what you ask simply because I believe the Fates brought us together. The Goddess herself tasked me with this mission to try to save you from yourself….I’m not running away, I’m not hiding. I’m not a coward. You’re here for a reason; I believe that and until I find out what that reason is or until she tells me that my task is completed I can’t go. I see you. I see through you. There’s something else you refuse to tell me. You have so much more growing to do, as do I even at this point. I said that I needed to figure out who I am as a woman before I could ever consider being in a relationship again and I meant that. But I think you don’t know who you are. Stuck between boy and man. You find yourself internally wanting to do things different but the demon in you wants to give in to the lust. Sometimes lust isn't enough. Sometimes you have to make decisions you know you don’t want to. That’s the key to being an adult. The hard choices that need to be made and how you deal with them

You are a poisonous element to my existence. And I will admit that regardless of your properties, I still find myself attracted to you; your aura is what pulls me in. Your eyes are magnets; they stir up something in me. Something I haven’t felt in about 5 years. I can’t explain it but you do something to me that has never been done in a while. You make me not think about the consequences of my actions. Logic tells me to quit while I’m ahead but my heart keeps telling me otherwise. You’re in my life for a reason. I believe that. And deep down, I think you do too. I don’t love you; I don’t think I ever really did. But at the same time I feel I would lose a lot were you to not be part of my life. I feel that even though you are poison, you’re also an antidote. I feel a sense of completion, might even go as far as saying I feel a sense of security. I dunno how else I can explain it to myself other than you’re both bad…and good for me. I get that now.

Addicted to Poison

Its strange. You meet someone and they obviously fit whatever criteria you have set about the kinda person you'd go for to a T...minus 1 thing: their age. Part of you says this is a bad idea, but you can't help being drawn in by their charisma, the common interests, the heat between you both. So much so that their age doesn't matter anymore. You have an instant connection to this person and an even deeper attraction. But somewhere in the back of your head logic tells you there's something wrong with this person. But of course, you think with your heart and body instead of your mind. You also have a secret; you're already involved with someone else but due to circumstances beyond your control, that dynamic has changed so you venture out to have a bit of fun; all the while not moving too fast. This person you met finds himself really into you, as do you and he asks a daring question. A question you know you can never answer yes to. But you hope that one day you could say yes to him, if he has the patience to wait for you. So you give a neutral response. Take it slow. You feel that's the best thing for right now; and of course he agrees to it. But something changes in him. He's....too friendly. Almost to a point where he doesn't remember how much he likes you. But because you're not a very loud person (and by loud I mean talk up in people face bout how is YOUR man n them bitches need to back off) you just observe; giving him the rope to just hang himself because he knows he hates it when you're upset with him. But eventually you make sure to tell him that that shit ain't cool. Its very disrespectful and it changes your opinion of them, whether you can believe the shit he says from that point forward. You say this because its becoming obvious that you're beginning to grow more feelings because this jealous feeling has never really happened to you before and its strange.

Now he tells you, he thinks he's no good for you because he knows he'll break your heart. But for some reason you think its because he's afraid to let go of that part of him. You've never asked him to change his ways for you, ll that was said is to at least try to turn it down slightly. You know you could never change him and you're not into the art of molding people to be exactly how you want them to be so you stay away from that. He's unwilling to do even that much. Stating that if you can't accept him the way he is then that's on you (which is true) but at the same time, he has the power to make the effort for you and he chooses not to; yet he says he cares deeply for you. From day one you made it clear in your mind that a relationship with this person is out of the question. And deep in your heart you know that had you 2 began a relationship; it would be nothing but lies and deception. He wouldn't be faithful to you and you wouldn't be faithful to him just because of that. He now asks you to hate him. And you find it so hard to do that because he hasn't done anything to you to make you want to hate him and THAT is what he can't understand. And at the same time you can't take no for an answer because you still feel that he's afraid of something. That he's running away from his heart because he doesn't want to hurt you any more than he already has. You give him every opportunity to try and rekindle the original flame between you 2 but he passes them up. There are other people who want you just as bad as he did in the beginning but you only have eyes for him. Now you want to hurt him back, you need at least some form of retribution or justice because you've been wronged. Everyone can see how this makes you feel and they try to tell him that he needs to at least apologize but he won't. 

I don't know why I'm torturing myself like this. He hurts me but....I just wanna feel him the way I did when we first met. I can't be his. I know that. But I can't walk away. I think he came into my life for a reason. The things he told me; they make me think that maybe I came along to save him from himself and I'd like to try doing that. I know I can bring him to the well but getting him to drink the water is a different story. I don't wanna be with him like that anymore. But I do want to help him. I want to feel him. He's poisonous for me but I can't stay away. Its hurts too much when I do. I guess I really am addicted to poison.

This day in Waheeda's life

Married at 21 n divorced at 22...but its not like anything has changed. Technicalities can be a bitch sometimes, but like I said; losing the title of wife hasn't changed our relationship. I still go over on the weekends. We still do the things we did when we were married. The sex hasn't changed...BUT!! According to him I've mastered the technique. (I was high but hey, he got what he wanted n then some)

But now is the real test. He's moving away. And while I'd love to go with him; I can't yet. Because he doesn't know WHERE he's going yet, then he'd have to make sure that wherever he goes has a pharmacy nearby so I could get my meds easy...and a clinic for my check up. He hasn't left yet...but its becoming harder and harder for me to go back there without thinking that one day very soon I won't be able to go back over there, can't say "I going home for the weekend". And every time I call him I just end up crying after because it hurts so bad. Between trying not to fall back into depression n watching Kitara, there isn't much room for myself. What I'd love is to hang out with the people I consider a vital part of my existence so at least I won't feel so lonely when he really does leave. Or at least some understanding as to how I feel. I remember Fox said to me that we both lost our "great loves" already. I lost mine when Ricky died, and I know when he lost his and who he lost. But I think when he moves, I'd have lost another "great love"

The uncertainty is what scares me the most. Followed by the thought of him maybe finding another wife, one who does the things I don't. Even though he says that even with those key points missing from me; that's what he likes about me. (don't ask) Like today I called him after I had a blackout and halfway into the phone call I start crying (he didn't know though) and when I got off, I just broke down and cried for about an hour. I have...had this friend I confided in...like I'd tell him the parts of my relationship that I didn't understand or felt like I wasn't crazy for thinking some of the things I thought when a certain situation went down. Looking back at the conversation now; I do understand where he was coming from with some of the things he said to me. But at the time what I needed was a shoulder, or some words of comfort to ease my pain for the moment. And it upset me greatly that he wouldn't give me that (at least I thought he didn't) but I think in his own way he did comfort me. With the harsh reality that I need to realize that he won't always be there for me. That he won't always come and hold me while I cry or listen to me rant about how much of a bitch this one was. I know now that he and Fox are one in the same when it comes to me. Fox is the voice of reason that I tend to not listen to, and my friend is the echo that I end up listening to and comparing what he said to what Fox said and finally realizing that they both do this because they love me. Each in his own way.

I dunno If I'll show my friend this blog post. But if I do decide to; if we were face to face right now, the one thing I could think to say is that I'm sorry for over reacting the way I did. I was hurt, and feeling empty and just wanted someone to comfort me even for a little while. And that I know that I do mean a lot to him even if we don't spend time together because he's so pre-occupied. And the last thing I think I'd say to him is that I love him for loving me the way he does.

I'm an emotional roller coaster at times; hormonal at best...a tease for the most part. But one thing that can always be said about me, I have an old soul and a big heart. I love anyone who makes me see what I'm doing wrong with myself and show me (I'm not good at reading between the lines so I'm thick headed there) how I can maybe change. And accept me even with the things that are almost impossible to change.

So; Fox...and Chris... I love you

Amanda.

Discoveries- December 8, 2012

So I finally met Rhadya (First wife) because according to Islamic law a man is allowed 4 wives. I’m the second…Rhadya is the first n mother of Malakai. 

To be honest I really didn’t wanna because I still feel like she has that advantage over me. Its only natural I feel insecure about that. Also adding to the fact that I might not be able to conceive and maybe he won’t love me as much; that scares me. She says that essentially we are like sisters and the more we bless him with our love, the better he becomes as a man and the more love he gives to us, the better we both become as women. Essentially this whole process is for all 3 of us to help each other because we revolve as a circle, one unit. But I still can’t help feeling out of place in all this now that I’ve seen her face. She has nicknames for him, they been together 10 years, the share Kai but she’s exactly like me..or I’m exactly like her. She took Shahada and he told her the name he picked out for me (Waheeda; meaning Unique)

I not sure how much she really knows but I have to admit that she’s right. We are a family whether I like it or not she is my sister because “that’s what we all are, under Allah. We are all brothers n sisters” And now I know where he got his speech mannerisms from..or the other way around cuz they speak exactly alike; annoyingly so. But right now I still need to wrap my head around the idea of knowing who she is and I guess there was some small comfort in knowing she sometimes feels the same way I do. That move he made could potentially cost him both of us. Meaning he could’ve lost us both but I guess we’re sorta okay with each other now. She says that one thing we have in common is that we both love him

But I dunno if I can get used to sharing him. Not to mention 2 people loving the same person. I know I’m all about free love, yes but being that I just recently really discovered what I been feeling has a name and a definition. I don’t wanna take Shahada because I’ve not accepted the idea of there being a god, be it Allah or Christ. He only embraced the idea of me acknowledging the idea of there being a supreme being that created all this. Or Darwin’s theory. Honestly the latter seems more logical to me. I can’t lie, that’s been my basic stance for 5 years. And I know she asked him why I won’t take it. And I guess I have to learn that she exists and she married him first and I guess she’s not so bad. I not go be all chummy-chummy from day 1. She wants to be able to get me to talk about things I won’t say out loud or to Saadiq and it just doesn’t work that way. Before I speak up; I write it down. Cuz they’re both pushing me to speak n all its doing is pushing me deeper into a box. I love Saadiq obviously n truly. Yeah I’m difficult but that’s part of me. I writ more than I speak and when I do speak, it may sometimes be in volumes; other times it won’t. Just wait it out.

What A Saturday Night- November 17-18, 2012

I believe that I can be happy again after everything that I been through. That I’m more than what happened to me. This person has shown me that he is living proof that someone can rise above their struggles. So many people have told stories of their trouble and how they overcame them and I was always skeptical because I never saw the pain in their eyes as they told their stories so I didn’t immediately believe them but I could see it in his eyes even without seeing his eyes and I believe in my heart that he’s not lying to me and I trust him completely. There is a positive impact coming from him to me and its showing on me and I see that’s he’s giving me the tools to be better and to rise above all the bad things and I love him for that. 

This is something completely different for me. Instead of repeating the same process over and over and getting hurt all over again and wondering why this keeps happening to me I can slow down and just go with the flow with him one day at a time. This journey we’re about to go on, for the most part will be difficult cuz I know that I’m a handful and hot tempered but I have to learn to harness all that fire and pull down my walls so that we can grow together and be more than all the other struggles of the past.

So I know I said January til you get an update on the verbal agreement thing I mentioned recently but…… yeah not January but last night in a nut shell. really n truly it was a double “nikah” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marriage_in_Islam) us…and his brother and his lady couldn’t wait anymore (IDK what is it with them n not sleeping at night cuz a we but such is life) I’m not gonna get into the particulars of the actual process cuz that’s why I left the Wiki link there but long story short the whole thing took 20 minutes. We (myself n “bride #2” not calling no names) each had a representative speak on our behalf as to whether we accept the grooms’ hand in marriage with a particular bridal gift and those reps had to make sure that whatever was promised to us has to be presented in a certain amount of time…mine was less complicated cuz I’m so simple lol. If they accepted the men’s proposal n gift then the only thing left to do was for the men to take our hands and that was that. See its so much less complicated than a Western wedding with the whole pick out date, church, dress n food thing. Just the witnesses and the person conducting the whole thing…and in our case it was their brother (no problem) the weird thing was tho…after the whole thing was over he pulled me by my hair roots n whispered a prayer in my ear…like it was supposed to bless me…n bless the union we just entered. (Im’a definitely get that translated…n no it didn’t hurt) but…the cliff’s notes version is….blushing brides were blushing…but after everything was said and done the 4 of us are happy n -in my case- kinda healthy. Last night was good. Minus forgetting my insulin at Chelsea but that’s another story in itself.

Blessed Be.