Things I Never Want To Think About

Tiny coffins in the middle of churches

Cold, dead fingers un knowingly gripping mine

Surrounded by people coming to say goodbye

Goodbye to my little angel who went back to the sky

Not having that bundle of joy to surround with my love

Wondering why the goddess took her from my womb to clouds above

The feeling of loss that will consume me every day

If I had a baby and she gets snatched away

My number one fear in this world

Is to give birth to a wonderful baby boy or girl

And in the blink of an eye, life gets snatched

And have beg for life back while the world sits and watch

Tiny white coffins lined with silk so fine

Giving up the little bundle I called mine

Something went wrong inside me

And the gods set my baby's soul free

That's something I never want to think about

If my baby died, I don't know what I'd do

Dedicated to all the newborns who never got a chance

I don't know you...but I love you.

A Final Farewell

Last night I did something that took me a year to finally get done. I erased the one person who I thought mattered to from my memory. I fell in love with that boy at some point. But then he tried to change me, or tried to control me in some sense and I wasn't having it. We'd been fighting for so very long and I'd had enough. It always happens like this: you meet someone over the summer, get close to the point where you either fall in love or he figures out your utmost thought but once September comes all that's over. I don't know why I thought last September would have been different. I mean, yes; I know school is the most important thing but at the same time it wouldn't hurt to try and keep some form of communication with me. Everyone knows I'm not into the first hailing business but what it boils down to is that if I don't say something first; I never hear from you, we see each other online every day but I'm:

(A) not gonna say anything first.
(B) stupid enough to expect you to say anything.
(C) disappointed when you DON'T say anything


But then out of the blue I get random text messages from you "just saying hi" and then I think (is this what our friendship has come to? Just saying hi?) and then I get miserable. The relationship I had with this person was definitely abusive to say the least. Not to the point where it gets physical, but you can hurt a person more with words than with fists. I've gotten that treatment many a times with simple words that cut sharper than any knife or razor blade. It makes no sense for me to keep myself here; waiting for a person who doesn't acknowledge my existence. So what do I finally do? I walk away. I walk away with the absolution that I did the right thing for myself this time. I know I'm a fighter, but I will not fight for anyone or anything that will only keep me down in the long run. 


So I say goodbye to you. I say goodbye and good luck and I'll never wish you ill will or harm because you haven't done anything that extreme to me. But still; I love you.


Blessed Be.

The Nameless

Let me stand here and wait patiently

Patiently as I feel your fingers aching to be laid upon my flesh

Let me wait for hard pressed bodies and tender kisses

Brace yourself on my body and let me feel the need that gave you sleepless nights and raging thoughts

Let your hands slowly inch up the hem of my dress to reveal a bare derrière

Marvel at my readiness to have you deep inside me,

Caress me and feel the hot moistness of my nether region

Tease and taunt me, leave trails of your hot breath on my sensitive spots: my shoulders, my neck

Let my hands find their way around your hips; pulling you into me

I wait patiently, yet my patience turns to impatience as I long to touch you

Not wanting to make love, not yet.

I just want to be teased and touched and aroused

Prolonged sensuality, ever lasting frustration

Deep thrusts and tongue dancing

A frenzy of tangled bodies and racing heartbeats

And then we become one

Words That Fell Out

Sifting through the chaos and mayhem that plagues my mind

I keep wondering about the patience I seem to lack

The desires I often choose to ignore

The bittersweet moments that fill my heart

Bound under this spell of kind-heartedness that constantly led to my own pain and suffering

The fogriveness I'm almost too eager to grant

I long for the serenity of my childhood days

I wish to not remember what I thought my destiny was supposed to be

Constant reminders of sloly slipping sanity

Staring at cracked fragments of my own reflection in a broken mirror that finds its comfort on the ground

An image to place what my mind looks like is fairly grotesque

Post modern warzone...the aftermath of the Holocaust

Finding relief in imaginary words of comfort

Seeking solace in the eyes of evil clowns

What makes sense to some cannot be deciphered by others

Call it the jigsaw puzzle that wishes never to be solved

Or the child who didn't want to be found

I pray of you to let me stay in the chaotic splendor that is my mind

And I pray of you to never release the binds I wear

Just Saying Hello

Whoa....talk about dusty. Well I really dunno what to write here but I'll start by saying its been a while since I was here. What's changed since my last post? Well...I failed maths...again... =_= I been through a relationship roller coaster that left me both almost stick skinny and mentally incapable. I been trying to do photo editing n image creation...but I kinda lost my juice. I haven't written anything profoundly moving like what I normally do in months so I feel drained. But on the plus side; Amanda knows who she wants to settle down with. ^_^ Of course the first step would be finding a job that'll both pay for rent, utilities n my insulin. Really n truly, our apartment wouldn't need much in terms of appliances. We'd definitely need a fridge to keep my insulin. One with a freezer would be a plus cuz when I get an ice pack I'd need to make sure its frozen for the road. A stove would be nice too of course, we both like to cook. And since we barely watch TV all we'd need is wifi cuz we use our laptops hard. And one single bed...trust me, I doubt we'd wanna be in a 2 bedroom unless we get 2 other people to live in the second room. Once we're both capable, take the needed steps and we'd be golden til our wedding day. That's all for now I suppose, until next time, blessed be.

Scramled Brains

This is me just rambling.

I've been with my bf Cordel for 3 months and this feels...right. But somehow; I can't help feeling that I still have feelings for certain exes...its my conscience talking and sometimes I think about calling them...(if I still had their number) I wish we could still be friends cuz that's how I do my thing. If we start out as friends, we remain friends. *sigh* meh I want sushi