How Can I?

I have to turn it off. I just have to. I have to turn this burning love I have for Andre off. To move slowly enough. So that we can rebuild something. But how can I? How can I turn my back on those emotions? Longing to hold him, yearning for his kiss. I burn with anticipation, crave to have him inside me again. Nothing else in this world would make me happier than to have him like that. But the whole re-attachment disorder thing kinda fucked that up for me so now I'm going to the square 1 we should've started with from the beginning. So far we've had that initial conversation, getting to know each other. Trying to make jokes. I don't know how long I'll be able to keep this up but I know I have to. I want him to love me. I want him to be in love with me as I'm in love with him. I don't fucking want Terike to come back as a boyfriend to me. I don't. I want Andre. Somebody not many people know and can try to poison his mind against me. Andre's introverted to the 9s to say the least. I want someone I can be invisible with. I maybe have to worry about Courtney n Denile because they know Vernon and if Vernon n the rest of the band were to find out I dunno what the response would be. I want a relationship that can be kept secret. Like with Rory. No one knew we were together. I think I should maybe start with him while I work on Andre. Make him think I'm slowly moving on and getting myself better. All this, I'm doing just for him to see me in a different light. All these lengths I'm going to just for him. But he's worth it. I'm perfectly okay with doing this.

Blessed Be