Thursday, August 30, 2012
Thinking
What can I say? I'm hooked. On this one person who can't even give me 100% of himself yet still. I'm giving it my all to make this "forbidden" relationship work. Knowing full well that I'm setting myself up for danger and heartache. He says I'm special to him just as much as she is. He spends more time with me and that's how it should be. That's how I need it to be. I know I can't have him and it makes me so mad but I'm still choosing to stay. But then he tells me if shit do hit the fan then he'll "work something out" for me. I mean its almost like he's gonna pay me off or something. I'm waiting to see what it really is. Is it so wrong to want something to have all for me? After all the giving I've done whether willing or not; isn't it my turn to keep something meaningful for myself? And nurture and take care of? I wish that girl would just leave him so I'd finally get a shot at happiness. Last night on the phone I told him if something goes wrong between us then its the end. No more loving, no more giving chances. I'm either gonna take myself out of the equation....or disappear out of sight. That way no one gets to have me. I won't say I feel used by him because that is the last thing I feel. I mean we spend almost every waking moment in some form of communication. I wanna be his and his alone but I can't. But he told me I belong to him (at my begging) because I did give myself to him. My heart(what's left of it), body n soul. Why do I have so much love to give?? Its like a reservoir that won't dry up. When I think that I've used up all I have, something comes along and brings me back to life. Yes I'm young (15 years younger than him) but if we're gonna compare life experiences then we're almost equal in a way. All I can really say is...I don't quite like the situation we're in but I asked for it. But I still have a right to complain if something bothers me because I'm not into turning the other cheek when I smell bullshit. I love him with a love that even I myself couldn't even imagine. He has this hold on me that I can't figure out but I don't want him to let me go. I want him to fight for me...as I've been fighting for him. I know 2 months is a short time to be feeling so strongly for someone but for crying out loud I've done worse. This is almost completely alien to me and I still wanna explore. We do things than normal couples kinda would do. So I'm gonna consider this as a relationship and treat it as such.
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