Addicted to Poison

Its strange. You meet someone and they obviously fit whatever criteria you have set about the kinda person you'd go for to a T...minus 1 thing: their age. Part of you says this is a bad idea, but you can't help being drawn in by their charisma, the common interests, the heat between you both. So much so that their age doesn't matter anymore. You have an instant connection to this person and an even deeper attraction. But somewhere in the back of your head logic tells you there's something wrong with this person. But of course, you think with your heart and body instead of your mind. You also have a secret; you're already involved with someone else but due to circumstances beyond your control, that dynamic has changed so you venture out to have a bit of fun; all the while not moving too fast. This person you met finds himself really into you, as do you and he asks a daring question. A question you know you can never answer yes to. But you hope that one day you could say yes to him, if he has the patience to wait for you. So you give a neutral response. Take it slow. You feel that's the best thing for right now; and of course he agrees to it. But something changes in him. He's....too friendly. Almost to a point where he doesn't remember how much he likes you. But because you're not a very loud person (and by loud I mean talk up in people face bout how is YOUR man n them bitches need to back off) you just observe; giving him the rope to just hang himself because he knows he hates it when you're upset with him. But eventually you make sure to tell him that that shit ain't cool. Its very disrespectful and it changes your opinion of them, whether you can believe the shit he says from that point forward. You say this because its becoming obvious that you're beginning to grow more feelings because this jealous feeling has never really happened to you before and its strange.

Now he tells you, he thinks he's no good for you because he knows he'll break your heart. But for some reason you think its because he's afraid to let go of that part of him. You've never asked him to change his ways for you, ll that was said is to at least try to turn it down slightly. You know you could never change him and you're not into the art of molding people to be exactly how you want them to be so you stay away from that. He's unwilling to do even that much. Stating that if you can't accept him the way he is then that's on you (which is true) but at the same time, he has the power to make the effort for you and he chooses not to; yet he says he cares deeply for you. From day one you made it clear in your mind that a relationship with this person is out of the question. And deep in your heart you know that had you 2 began a relationship; it would be nothing but lies and deception. He wouldn't be faithful to you and you wouldn't be faithful to him just because of that. He now asks you to hate him. And you find it so hard to do that because he hasn't done anything to you to make you want to hate him and THAT is what he can't understand. And at the same time you can't take no for an answer because you still feel that he's afraid of something. That he's running away from his heart because he doesn't want to hurt you any more than he already has. You give him every opportunity to try and rekindle the original flame between you 2 but he passes them up. There are other people who want you just as bad as he did in the beginning but you only have eyes for him. Now you want to hurt him back, you need at least some form of retribution or justice because you've been wronged. Everyone can see how this makes you feel and they try to tell him that he needs to at least apologize but he won't. 

I don't know why I'm torturing myself like this. He hurts me but....I just wanna feel him the way I did when we first met. I can't be his. I know that. But I can't walk away. I think he came into my life for a reason. The things he told me; they make me think that maybe I came along to save him from himself and I'd like to try doing that. I know I can bring him to the well but getting him to drink the water is a different story. I don't wanna be with him like that anymore. But I do want to help him. I want to feel him. He's poisonous for me but I can't stay away. Its hurts too much when I do. I guess I really am addicted to poison.

This day in Waheeda's life

Married at 21 n divorced at 22...but its not like anything has changed. Technicalities can be a bitch sometimes, but like I said; losing the title of wife hasn't changed our relationship. I still go over on the weekends. We still do the things we did when we were married. The sex hasn't changed...BUT!! According to him I've mastered the technique. (I was high but hey, he got what he wanted n then some)

But now is the real test. He's moving away. And while I'd love to go with him; I can't yet. Because he doesn't know WHERE he's going yet, then he'd have to make sure that wherever he goes has a pharmacy nearby so I could get my meds easy...and a clinic for my check up. He hasn't left yet...but its becoming harder and harder for me to go back there without thinking that one day very soon I won't be able to go back over there, can't say "I going home for the weekend". And every time I call him I just end up crying after because it hurts so bad. Between trying not to fall back into depression n watching Kitara, there isn't much room for myself. What I'd love is to hang out with the people I consider a vital part of my existence so at least I won't feel so lonely when he really does leave. Or at least some understanding as to how I feel. I remember Fox said to me that we both lost our "great loves" already. I lost mine when Ricky died, and I know when he lost his and who he lost. But I think when he moves, I'd have lost another "great love"

The uncertainty is what scares me the most. Followed by the thought of him maybe finding another wife, one who does the things I don't. Even though he says that even with those key points missing from me; that's what he likes about me. (don't ask) Like today I called him after I had a blackout and halfway into the phone call I start crying (he didn't know though) and when I got off, I just broke down and cried for about an hour. I have...had this friend I confided in...like I'd tell him the parts of my relationship that I didn't understand or felt like I wasn't crazy for thinking some of the things I thought when a certain situation went down. Looking back at the conversation now; I do understand where he was coming from with some of the things he said to me. But at the time what I needed was a shoulder, or some words of comfort to ease my pain for the moment. And it upset me greatly that he wouldn't give me that (at least I thought he didn't) but I think in his own way he did comfort me. With the harsh reality that I need to realize that he won't always be there for me. That he won't always come and hold me while I cry or listen to me rant about how much of a bitch this one was. I know now that he and Fox are one in the same when it comes to me. Fox is the voice of reason that I tend to not listen to, and my friend is the echo that I end up listening to and comparing what he said to what Fox said and finally realizing that they both do this because they love me. Each in his own way.

I dunno If I'll show my friend this blog post. But if I do decide to; if we were face to face right now, the one thing I could think to say is that I'm sorry for over reacting the way I did. I was hurt, and feeling empty and just wanted someone to comfort me even for a little while. And that I know that I do mean a lot to him even if we don't spend time together because he's so pre-occupied. And the last thing I think I'd say to him is that I love him for loving me the way he does.

I'm an emotional roller coaster at times; hormonal at best...a tease for the most part. But one thing that can always be said about me, I have an old soul and a big heart. I love anyone who makes me see what I'm doing wrong with myself and show me (I'm not good at reading between the lines so I'm thick headed there) how I can maybe change. And accept me even with the things that are almost impossible to change.

So; Fox...and Chris... I love you

Amanda.

Discoveries- December 8, 2012

So I finally met Rhadya (First wife) because according to Islamic law a man is allowed 4 wives. I’m the second…Rhadya is the first n mother of Malakai. 

To be honest I really didn’t wanna because I still feel like she has that advantage over me. Its only natural I feel insecure about that. Also adding to the fact that I might not be able to conceive and maybe he won’t love me as much; that scares me. She says that essentially we are like sisters and the more we bless him with our love, the better he becomes as a man and the more love he gives to us, the better we both become as women. Essentially this whole process is for all 3 of us to help each other because we revolve as a circle, one unit. But I still can’t help feeling out of place in all this now that I’ve seen her face. She has nicknames for him, they been together 10 years, the share Kai but she’s exactly like me..or I’m exactly like her. She took Shahada and he told her the name he picked out for me (Waheeda; meaning Unique)

I not sure how much she really knows but I have to admit that she’s right. We are a family whether I like it or not she is my sister because “that’s what we all are, under Allah. We are all brothers n sisters” And now I know where he got his speech mannerisms from..or the other way around cuz they speak exactly alike; annoyingly so. But right now I still need to wrap my head around the idea of knowing who she is and I guess there was some small comfort in knowing she sometimes feels the same way I do. That move he made could potentially cost him both of us. Meaning he could’ve lost us both but I guess we’re sorta okay with each other now. She says that one thing we have in common is that we both love him

But I dunno if I can get used to sharing him. Not to mention 2 people loving the same person. I know I’m all about free love, yes but being that I just recently really discovered what I been feeling has a name and a definition. I don’t wanna take Shahada because I’ve not accepted the idea of there being a god, be it Allah or Christ. He only embraced the idea of me acknowledging the idea of there being a supreme being that created all this. Or Darwin’s theory. Honestly the latter seems more logical to me. I can’t lie, that’s been my basic stance for 5 years. And I know she asked him why I won’t take it. And I guess I have to learn that she exists and she married him first and I guess she’s not so bad. I not go be all chummy-chummy from day 1. She wants to be able to get me to talk about things I won’t say out loud or to Saadiq and it just doesn’t work that way. Before I speak up; I write it down. Cuz they’re both pushing me to speak n all its doing is pushing me deeper into a box. I love Saadiq obviously n truly. Yeah I’m difficult but that’s part of me. I writ more than I speak and when I do speak, it may sometimes be in volumes; other times it won’t. Just wait it out.

What A Saturday Night- November 17-18, 2012

I believe that I can be happy again after everything that I been through. That I’m more than what happened to me. This person has shown me that he is living proof that someone can rise above their struggles. So many people have told stories of their trouble and how they overcame them and I was always skeptical because I never saw the pain in their eyes as they told their stories so I didn’t immediately believe them but I could see it in his eyes even without seeing his eyes and I believe in my heart that he’s not lying to me and I trust him completely. There is a positive impact coming from him to me and its showing on me and I see that’s he’s giving me the tools to be better and to rise above all the bad things and I love him for that. 

This is something completely different for me. Instead of repeating the same process over and over and getting hurt all over again and wondering why this keeps happening to me I can slow down and just go with the flow with him one day at a time. This journey we’re about to go on, for the most part will be difficult cuz I know that I’m a handful and hot tempered but I have to learn to harness all that fire and pull down my walls so that we can grow together and be more than all the other struggles of the past.

So I know I said January til you get an update on the verbal agreement thing I mentioned recently but…… yeah not January but last night in a nut shell. really n truly it was a double “nikah” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marriage_in_Islam) us…and his brother and his lady couldn’t wait anymore (IDK what is it with them n not sleeping at night cuz a we but such is life) I’m not gonna get into the particulars of the actual process cuz that’s why I left the Wiki link there but long story short the whole thing took 20 minutes. We (myself n “bride #2” not calling no names) each had a representative speak on our behalf as to whether we accept the grooms’ hand in marriage with a particular bridal gift and those reps had to make sure that whatever was promised to us has to be presented in a certain amount of time…mine was less complicated cuz I’m so simple lol. If they accepted the men’s proposal n gift then the only thing left to do was for the men to take our hands and that was that. See its so much less complicated than a Western wedding with the whole pick out date, church, dress n food thing. Just the witnesses and the person conducting the whole thing…and in our case it was their brother (no problem) the weird thing was tho…after the whole thing was over he pulled me by my hair roots n whispered a prayer in my ear…like it was supposed to bless me…n bless the union we just entered. (Im’a definitely get that translated…n no it didn’t hurt) but…the cliff’s notes version is….blushing brides were blushing…but after everything was said and done the 4 of us are happy n -in my case- kinda healthy. Last night was good. Minus forgetting my insulin at Chelsea but that’s another story in itself.

Blessed Be.

Verbal Agreement- November 5, 2012

So…in 2 months I’m entering this relationship with someone via a verbal agreement…in front of witnesses; kinda like a wedding but without the fandangles like a marriage certificate n a white dress. But the explanation I got is that, we go before 3 people. One conducts, 2 witness. We’re both given a brief guideline of the bond being formed, he presents me with his dower (he clearly got the terminologies mixed up.), I accept it and our journey begins. Its more of a husband and wife relationship as opposed to me being his girlfriend and he my boyfriend. But I’m honestly ready to put myself back out there. Rather; I’m ready to give myself completely to this person…he has that maturity I seek in a man and I know he has the ability to teach me things that I at my age can’t understand and I’m willing to be his student in all things.There is this fire that has rivaled any other I’ve ever experienced with anyone else. But even all the red flags that should have pushed me away…after the initial shock n anger…I guess it just stopped bothering me after we both discussed it in a way that would make me understand the kinda man he is. And I’m just drawn to that. He’s so traditional…I feel like a virgin to be completely honest because he’s waiting til after this verbal agreement is made to “bed me” he calls it. He’s told his brothers about me…he’s told his…”companion” about me and I know about her…eventually he’ll tell his son about me and then I’ll meet who I’m supposed to meet. I haven’t told anyone on my side about what’s happening except Gayna because she’s the only person I trust. And I really want her to be a part of this transition I’m making. She’s my best friend. And those 2 are gonna end up in a sit down where I’ll find out whether she approves of him or not.

I believe in my heart that he won’t hurt me and I feel amazingly safe with him. He tells me every day “You truly are absolutely wonderful” and for some reason all I want is to feel the heat of his skin next to mine. I’m ready to submit my body to this man…I’m ready to give my heart to this man with the assurance that he is the one to heal me and make me better than I am now…he yearns for my touch…just as much as I yearn for his “I better hurry my ass up with your Dauri” lol. But for some reason he’s still in disbelief that I’m actually 21 because of the way we’ve been talking. He says he’s never encountered someone like me before and it is affecting him…I’ve never felt this confidence in my entire dating history. We’re both hoping that we can do right by each other and appreciate each other because so far all this feels like such a good thing. He makes me feel like I’m doing the right thing by giving my heart to him.

I’ll update y’all in 2 months. =]

Thinking

What can I say? I'm hooked. On this one person who can't even give me 100% of himself yet still. I'm giving it my all to make this "forbidden" relationship work. Knowing full well that I'm setting myself up for danger and heartache. He says I'm special to him just as much as she is. He spends more time with me and that's how it should be. That's how I need it to be. I know I can't have him and it makes me so mad but I'm still choosing to stay. But then he tells me if shit do hit the fan then he'll "work something out" for me. I mean its almost like he's gonna pay me off or something. I'm waiting to see what it really is. Is it so wrong to want something to have all for me? After all the giving I've done whether willing or not; isn't it my turn to keep something meaningful for myself? And nurture and take care of? I wish that girl would just leave him so I'd finally get a shot at happiness. Last night on the phone I told him if something goes wrong between us then its the end. No more loving, no more giving chances. I'm either gonna take myself out of the equation....or disappear out of sight. That way no one gets to have me. I won't say I feel used by him because that is the last thing I feel. I mean we spend almost every waking moment in some form of communication. I wanna be his and his alone but I can't. But he told me I belong to him (at my begging) because I did give myself to him. My heart(what's left of it), body n soul. Why do I have so much love to give?? Its like a reservoir that won't dry up. When I think that I've used up all I have, something comes along and brings me back to life. Yes I'm young (15 years younger than him) but if we're gonna compare life experiences then we're almost equal in a way. All I can really say is...I don't quite like the situation we're in but I asked for it. But I still have a right to complain if something bothers me because I'm not into turning the other cheek when I smell bullshit. I love him with a love that even I myself couldn't even imagine. He has this hold on me that I can't figure out but I don't want him to let me go. I want him to fight for me...as I've been fighting for him. I know 2 months is a short time to be feeling so strongly for someone but for crying out loud I've done worse. This is almost completely alien to me and I still wanna explore. We do things than normal couples kinda would do. So I'm gonna consider this as a relationship and treat it as such.

Vent/Update/Head Clearing

This past month...month n some change has been....I don't even know how to describe it. Between reconciling with Andre and making sense of what's been going on with my love life. Me n Andre had been "dealing" since like...before Labour Day but we had more downs than ups really. But the truth is he misses me just as much as I miss him but he couldn't tell me because he was afraid of repeating history. By history I mean me getting clingy again. I realize that our original relationship was based on just sex...but I loved him, still do. And he even gave me a small ounce of hope. Though it isn't much hope cuz he could just as easily not choose me to be his n pick someone else. But I guess its kinda an improvement after everything that happened to us. But lately my sights have...shifted a bit. While Jones was the perfect therapist when I was going through the wringer, I supposed going to see his show that one time kinda gave me a good feeling. But first it was me n him flirting. Like almost every night on Skype kinda thing, I teased a bit but only enough to make him just NEED to be inside me. But then he broke his foot n we had a tiny falling out n I guess I kinda strayed away in a sense. That's when I met Neville. Honestly...at first I wasn't even aiming for him...but I knew that both Drew n Vinnie prolly have girlfriends so I didn't wanna make any waves so I guess I chose him. I know my eyes were fixated on him at that Chelsea show and I just HAD to know more.

So we...talked...then we flirted. Then I noticed that...he's really cool and...I think I'm crushing on him. So we finally linked up at a rave and I was hanging with him but mingling and dancing with my friends. But for the rest of the night I was all his. I never left his side (halfly because I was high as fuck) but I didn't want to be anywhere else but right next to him. I held his hand (pinky first, then it moved to my whole hand). Then for a split second, I turned around to walk away and he pulled me into him. He held me tight like he didn't wanna let me go and that was the absolute best feeling in that entire night. We were 2 souls combined, his hands caressing my skin, the heat coming from both of us just made me feel so alive inside. I had to feel him. So a couple weeks later we finally met up after many nights on Skype and FB and I enjoyed all the time I spent with him doing absolutely nothing. Our first encounter without all the people around us. We smoked, we listened to music, he worked but he was so adorable worrying about me being bored but I really wasn't because being this close to him was more important. Feeling his lips against mine, his skin on my skin, hearing him say how much he loves this feeling and he never wants to let me go. What girl could ask for more? I guess maybe him loving me would be a good start.

In the beginning he told me that he was....kinda but not exactly seeing someone n its been that way for a long time now and I came in and just changed everything. I said I wanted to stay with him regardless. Normally when someone tells me he's kinda dating someone that's when I take myself out of the equation. By right that's what I should do. To save myself from heartache but I just...I dunno why I chose to stay with him. Knowing I'm gonna get hurt in the process. But I love him so much. Its like...the love I had for Andre. Wanting nothing more but to be his even though he had issues dealing with. I waited for Andre. I tried to stay with him even though I had it in my mind that he might not wanna be with me in the end. I stayed; knowing that awful back thought. Moving on. I finally admit that I'm in love with Neville. But every now and again....she comes into play. And I don't mean her calling him n he HAS to go link her. We just end up talking about it and where I'll end up after that. I want him to keep me. I want to be only his, out of everyone that tries to step to me I turn them down for a man who's like 14 years older than me who's already in a relationship. I mean we do things that normal couples do. We're always communicating, we think of each other like constantly...and the sex...yeah so we're basically a functioning couple but he doesn't see it that way. If I was the spiteful type I would actually seek her out n tell her what he's been doing behind her back in the hopes that she'd leave him and maybe there'd be room for me. But I'm not.

There's so many things I wanna say to her but I can't because I'm sworn. No one really knows the full extent of what's going on between us. But some might have a hint after Friday night when he was all lovey-dovey with me. I loved every moment of our time together and I so with it could be like that always. He has this sort of hold over me that I can't understand but I embrace it, I said I wanted everything that came with him. But I don't like it. Yet still I'm here; giving him my love. Giving him everything I am. Like the girlfriend I shouldn't be. I said I wasn't gonna get back out there yet here comes this skinny 35 year old vampire who has cast some sorta spell on me that I refuse to break from. I'm barely understanding what's going on between us. I'm setting myself up to get hurt but...I want him so bad that wanting him is what hurts. Him hurting me...isn't what's on my mind. I yearn for this man. I want him to be all mine. I use my imagination and Monkgomery turns into him. His arms wrapped around me. Holding on to me for dear life.


What am I supposed to do? I need him. I love him. He should be with me. But he isn't. And that's what kills me.