Verbal Agreement- November 5, 2012

So…in 2 months I’m entering this relationship with someone via a verbal agreement…in front of witnesses; kinda like a wedding but without the fandangles like a marriage certificate n a white dress. But the explanation I got is that, we go before 3 people. One conducts, 2 witness. We’re both given a brief guideline of the bond being formed, he presents me with his dower (he clearly got the terminologies mixed up.), I accept it and our journey begins. Its more of a husband and wife relationship as opposed to me being his girlfriend and he my boyfriend. But I’m honestly ready to put myself back out there. Rather; I’m ready to give myself completely to this person…he has that maturity I seek in a man and I know he has the ability to teach me things that I at my age can’t understand and I’m willing to be his student in all things.There is this fire that has rivaled any other I’ve ever experienced with anyone else. But even all the red flags that should have pushed me away…after the initial shock n anger…I guess it just stopped bothering me after we both discussed it in a way that would make me understand the kinda man he is. And I’m just drawn to that. He’s so traditional…I feel like a virgin to be completely honest because he’s waiting til after this verbal agreement is made to “bed me” he calls it. He’s told his brothers about me…he’s told his…”companion” about me and I know about her…eventually he’ll tell his son about me and then I’ll meet who I’m supposed to meet. I haven’t told anyone on my side about what’s happening except Gayna because she’s the only person I trust. And I really want her to be a part of this transition I’m making. She’s my best friend. And those 2 are gonna end up in a sit down where I’ll find out whether she approves of him or not.

I believe in my heart that he won’t hurt me and I feel amazingly safe with him. He tells me every day “You truly are absolutely wonderful” and for some reason all I want is to feel the heat of his skin next to mine. I’m ready to submit my body to this man…I’m ready to give my heart to this man with the assurance that he is the one to heal me and make me better than I am now…he yearns for my touch…just as much as I yearn for his “I better hurry my ass up with your Dauri” lol. But for some reason he’s still in disbelief that I’m actually 21 because of the way we’ve been talking. He says he’s never encountered someone like me before and it is affecting him…I’ve never felt this confidence in my entire dating history. We’re both hoping that we can do right by each other and appreciate each other because so far all this feels like such a good thing. He makes me feel like I’m doing the right thing by giving my heart to him.

I’ll update y’all in 2 months. =]

Thinking

What can I say? I'm hooked. On this one person who can't even give me 100% of himself yet still. I'm giving it my all to make this "forbidden" relationship work. Knowing full well that I'm setting myself up for danger and heartache. He says I'm special to him just as much as she is. He spends more time with me and that's how it should be. That's how I need it to be. I know I can't have him and it makes me so mad but I'm still choosing to stay. But then he tells me if shit do hit the fan then he'll "work something out" for me. I mean its almost like he's gonna pay me off or something. I'm waiting to see what it really is. Is it so wrong to want something to have all for me? After all the giving I've done whether willing or not; isn't it my turn to keep something meaningful for myself? And nurture and take care of? I wish that girl would just leave him so I'd finally get a shot at happiness. Last night on the phone I told him if something goes wrong between us then its the end. No more loving, no more giving chances. I'm either gonna take myself out of the equation....or disappear out of sight. That way no one gets to have me. I won't say I feel used by him because that is the last thing I feel. I mean we spend almost every waking moment in some form of communication. I wanna be his and his alone but I can't. But he told me I belong to him (at my begging) because I did give myself to him. My heart(what's left of it), body n soul. Why do I have so much love to give?? Its like a reservoir that won't dry up. When I think that I've used up all I have, something comes along and brings me back to life. Yes I'm young (15 years younger than him) but if we're gonna compare life experiences then we're almost equal in a way. All I can really say is...I don't quite like the situation we're in but I asked for it. But I still have a right to complain if something bothers me because I'm not into turning the other cheek when I smell bullshit. I love him with a love that even I myself couldn't even imagine. He has this hold on me that I can't figure out but I don't want him to let me go. I want him to fight for me...as I've been fighting for him. I know 2 months is a short time to be feeling so strongly for someone but for crying out loud I've done worse. This is almost completely alien to me and I still wanna explore. We do things than normal couples kinda would do. So I'm gonna consider this as a relationship and treat it as such.

Vent/Update/Head Clearing

This past month...month n some change has been....I don't even know how to describe it. Between reconciling with Andre and making sense of what's been going on with my love life. Me n Andre had been "dealing" since like...before Labour Day but we had more downs than ups really. But the truth is he misses me just as much as I miss him but he couldn't tell me because he was afraid of repeating history. By history I mean me getting clingy again. I realize that our original relationship was based on just sex...but I loved him, still do. And he even gave me a small ounce of hope. Though it isn't much hope cuz he could just as easily not choose me to be his n pick someone else. But I guess its kinda an improvement after everything that happened to us. But lately my sights have...shifted a bit. While Jones was the perfect therapist when I was going through the wringer, I supposed going to see his show that one time kinda gave me a good feeling. But first it was me n him flirting. Like almost every night on Skype kinda thing, I teased a bit but only enough to make him just NEED to be inside me. But then he broke his foot n we had a tiny falling out n I guess I kinda strayed away in a sense. That's when I met Neville. Honestly...at first I wasn't even aiming for him...but I knew that both Drew n Vinnie prolly have girlfriends so I didn't wanna make any waves so I guess I chose him. I know my eyes were fixated on him at that Chelsea show and I just HAD to know more.

So we...talked...then we flirted. Then I noticed that...he's really cool and...I think I'm crushing on him. So we finally linked up at a rave and I was hanging with him but mingling and dancing with my friends. But for the rest of the night I was all his. I never left his side (halfly because I was high as fuck) but I didn't want to be anywhere else but right next to him. I held his hand (pinky first, then it moved to my whole hand). Then for a split second, I turned around to walk away and he pulled me into him. He held me tight like he didn't wanna let me go and that was the absolute best feeling in that entire night. We were 2 souls combined, his hands caressing my skin, the heat coming from both of us just made me feel so alive inside. I had to feel him. So a couple weeks later we finally met up after many nights on Skype and FB and I enjoyed all the time I spent with him doing absolutely nothing. Our first encounter without all the people around us. We smoked, we listened to music, he worked but he was so adorable worrying about me being bored but I really wasn't because being this close to him was more important. Feeling his lips against mine, his skin on my skin, hearing him say how much he loves this feeling and he never wants to let me go. What girl could ask for more? I guess maybe him loving me would be a good start.

In the beginning he told me that he was....kinda but not exactly seeing someone n its been that way for a long time now and I came in and just changed everything. I said I wanted to stay with him regardless. Normally when someone tells me he's kinda dating someone that's when I take myself out of the equation. By right that's what I should do. To save myself from heartache but I just...I dunno why I chose to stay with him. Knowing I'm gonna get hurt in the process. But I love him so much. Its like...the love I had for Andre. Wanting nothing more but to be his even though he had issues dealing with. I waited for Andre. I tried to stay with him even though I had it in my mind that he might not wanna be with me in the end. I stayed; knowing that awful back thought. Moving on. I finally admit that I'm in love with Neville. But every now and again....she comes into play. And I don't mean her calling him n he HAS to go link her. We just end up talking about it and where I'll end up after that. I want him to keep me. I want to be only his, out of everyone that tries to step to me I turn them down for a man who's like 14 years older than me who's already in a relationship. I mean we do things that normal couples do. We're always communicating, we think of each other like constantly...and the sex...yeah so we're basically a functioning couple but he doesn't see it that way. If I was the spiteful type I would actually seek her out n tell her what he's been doing behind her back in the hopes that she'd leave him and maybe there'd be room for me. But I'm not.

There's so many things I wanna say to her but I can't because I'm sworn. No one really knows the full extent of what's going on between us. But some might have a hint after Friday night when he was all lovey-dovey with me. I loved every moment of our time together and I so with it could be like that always. He has this sort of hold over me that I can't understand but I embrace it, I said I wanted everything that came with him. But I don't like it. Yet still I'm here; giving him my love. Giving him everything I am. Like the girlfriend I shouldn't be. I said I wasn't gonna get back out there yet here comes this skinny 35 year old vampire who has cast some sorta spell on me that I refuse to break from. I'm barely understanding what's going on between us. I'm setting myself up to get hurt but...I want him so bad that wanting him is what hurts. Him hurting me...isn't what's on my mind. I yearn for this man. I want him to be all mine. I use my imagination and Monkgomery turns into him. His arms wrapped around me. Holding on to me for dear life.


What am I supposed to do? I need him. I love him. He should be with me. But he isn't. And that's what kills me.

~Confessions of the Confused Soul~

Ever since I was little, I always found some way to see the good in a person, no matter how many times I was told that that same person was no good. That trait has followed me to this very day. I'm always incapable of seeing the bad in a person until they hurt me and even then; I still believe, trust and sometimes even love that person. They all make claims to be "no good" for me; but I show them the light that I see that they sometimes didn't know they had. And even know I always set myself up for heartache, I continue to love and believe in anyone who my heart tells me to care for.

I dunno if I have the strength to continue like that though. I love even though its one-sided most of the time. I care even though I'll never get the same. I believe in even though no one would believe in me. Will I always give my all and not hear that my effort was actually worth while? And even when all that does happen, I still continue the same habits...maybe I'm a glutton for punishment.

What You Wanna Do

Trying to communicate the gestures,

I'm open to suggestions.

Trying to understand your mind without being accused of invasion.

Cuz there are some parts of your mind that I just cannot touch...

Let me tell you this, baby; I love you so much.

Trying to understand the design,

What's your reason or the rhyme?

The way you think, how you speak, the intimate details, so divine.

I wanna be a part of you.....

So, tell me baby what's the first thing that I need to do?

Your heart is oh, so true

No surprise I'm in love with you

You gave me that good feeling every time I felt so blue

Not to mention that good loving that I'm so addicted to

My heart and my body live exclusively for you.

So take me as I am,

I just wanna be your woman

The one you hold, the one you love, the one who helps and understands

See the determination in my eyes and love in my heart so true

So look at me and tell me baby, what you wanna do?

How Can I?

I have to turn it off. I just have to. I have to turn this burning love I have for Andre off. To move slowly enough. So that we can rebuild something. But how can I? How can I turn my back on those emotions? Longing to hold him, yearning for his kiss. I burn with anticipation, crave to have him inside me again. Nothing else in this world would make me happier than to have him like that. But the whole re-attachment disorder thing kinda fucked that up for me so now I'm going to the square 1 we should've started with from the beginning. So far we've had that initial conversation, getting to know each other. Trying to make jokes. I don't know how long I'll be able to keep this up but I know I have to. I want him to love me. I want him to be in love with me as I'm in love with him. I don't fucking want Terike to come back as a boyfriend to me. I don't. I want Andre. Somebody not many people know and can try to poison his mind against me. Andre's introverted to the 9s to say the least. I want someone I can be invisible with. I maybe have to worry about Courtney n Denile because they know Vernon and if Vernon n the rest of the band were to find out I dunno what the response would be. I want a relationship that can be kept secret. Like with Rory. No one knew we were together. I think I should maybe start with him while I work on Andre. Make him think I'm slowly moving on and getting myself better. All this, I'm doing just for him to see me in a different light. All these lengths I'm going to just for him. But he's worth it. I'm perfectly okay with doing this.

Blessed Be

My Heart Is Broken

I will wander until the end of time torn away from youI pulled away to face the pain. I close my eyes and drift away
Over the fear that I will never find a way to heal my soul and I will wander until the end of time torn away from youMy heart is broken. Sweet sleep, my dark angel. Deliver us from sorrow's hold over my heartI can't go on living this way. I can't go back the way I came. Chained to this fear that I will never find the way to heal my soul and I will wander until the end of the timeHalf alive without youMy heart is broken. Sweet sleep, my dark angel. Deliver us Change, open your eyes to the light I denied it all so long. Oh, so long. Say goodbye, goodbyeMy heart is broken. Release me, I can't hold on. Deliver usMy heart is broken. Sweet dreams my dark angel. Deliver usMy heart is broken. Sweet sleep, my dark angel. Deliver us from sorrow's hold

These words. They touch me deeply. They play out every single awful emotion I've been wanting to express but couldn't find the words. Tomorrow, I'm gonna sing them..granted I'm not gonna document it. But I need to let them be heard from my lips. Its not for anyone to hear. Even though there's one person I want to sing it to, just so he can hear my voice and feel the words as they flow from me. I want him to feel what I feel.

Blessed Be