~Lost~

I think I'm losing myself again. Slowly but surely getting unattached to everything. I feel seriously out of place in every situation imaginable. At work, with my friends; fuck I don't even feel at home in my own house anymore. Its like my mind is here, my body is elsewhere and my heart is even further away from both. Sleep doesn't come easy anymore...Dr. Gabay says he might have to prescribe me sleeping pills again. 


Today I went off on Theo because even though he was playing around, certain things he just shouldn't push and as many times as I told him "Don't push me, don't push me, DON'T FUCKING PUSH ME!" I lost it. No one expected that so I had to walk away n cool off for a minute. Everyone at Hi-Lo sees this innocent smile, semi-attractive body n child-like personality when in truth; I use that to hide my true self. The true self that they see on my arm but are too scared to ask about. 


I don't want anyone to see that side of me, not unless they really close to me. I'm not saying Theo shouldn't be obligated to like; brush past me n ask for a hug like he normally does, but there is a limit to how much bullshit I'm willing to put up with. Just like how I've been hearing about how the merchandiser from Nestle lost his wits one day at work because Neville drew him out, its the same with me. I have a very short fuse and today they learned it. Now He comes to me saying that I'm going around saying that both him n Troy looking me when I said "I wouldn't be surprised if 1 or both of them start look me" and SO SAID, SO FUCKING DONE.... 1 try look me.


So now it seems I can only trust Michael. Uncle Nestle n Sean from Red Stripe are still shell shocked that that much rage can escape from little old me. I'm just tired of the assumptions is all. Honestly, the only thing I can count of to keep my mind in check is flirting with some of the younger merchandisers, like Chad from Wisynco or Marlon from Facey. I don't give em my number or try go too far with it but when I feel a bit dragged down, they make me smile. I don't do much; just a smile every now n then. Sometimes I help Chad stack the shelves, I'll pick Uncle Grace's feather duster n knock Marlon slightly in the back n give him a smile. Same with Adrian n Omar...The little things just seem to put my mind at ease.


My mind is worn out, my body feels week and my heart...I dunno what's left of that. I don't feel connected to it anymore...I've lost my definition of love, the real meaning of my own name.


I'm just...
~Lost~
~Someone Save Me~