Well its like this now. I don't even know where to start; still trying to get over the initial shock of it all and yet still I sit here typing this so very confused. I should be glad my relationship's over cuz I wasn't happy anymore...he didn't make me happy and I fell out of love. Under normal circumstances I should be happy. But then why this awful feeling of loneliness? I'm half guessing that it was cuz I was completely unprepared for it. I'd been seeing someone else and felt over the moon n stars, and because he wasn't particularly ready to jump for reasons I'll not reveal and I understood completely and I chose to wait for him to sort his issue out and I'd deal with things on my end. But I guess my issue got dealt with completely prematurely so it kind threw me for a loop. I wasn't prepared at all for what happened. It came as such a shock that I couldn't even think to try n tell him to stay. Part of me wanted to scream and wake every sleeping part of me n fight to the end.....but I didn't. I couldn't. And I can't understand why. Why didn't I speak up then? I just let him go on and on about how he knew I wasn't happy and how he gave me a chance to leave if I felt I needed to. I sat there in silence. And then when I did "come back to my senses" I made the same foolish notion that I did the first time we split to re-create the initial friendship...makeshift introductions n everything...now that's when my brain screamed out "You fucking idiot!" but what could I do? I don't want him completely out of my life, hence why I chose to settle for friendship.
Right now I'm completely at a loss. Its like when my gran died. I didn't cry...I tried to be strong...but in this circumstance I've definitely lost the little strength I had left in me. People ask me how I feel, all I can say is "Numb" like the day after I'd cut myself and remove the bandage....that whole area becomes numb, until I get it wet or clean it off. Imagine me still being hung up on 2 people at the same time. One person I'd been in love with since I was 12...almost giving up my whole life to move to New York n be closer...then the other...well its almost self-explanatory if you know me the way no one else would. But to explain it; this person was the one who caught me after Terike threw me off the cliff the first time. At that point in my life I would've done anything to have him back. What's the difference now? I'm not in love with him. Anyone I talked to about it pretty much agreed with me that the relationship was over already, just a matter of time before one of us actually says the word. But that doesn't stop it from hurting any less than it already does right now.
Goddess, if you can hear me...help me to be strong in this time of "bereavement"
Blessed Be.
No comments:
Post a Comment