What You Wanna Do

Trying to communicate the gestures,

I'm open to suggestions.

Trying to understand your mind without being accused of invasion.

Cuz there are some parts of your mind that I just cannot touch...

Let me tell you this, baby; I love you so much.

Trying to understand the design,

What's your reason or the rhyme?

The way you think, how you speak, the intimate details, so divine.

I wanna be a part of you.....

So, tell me baby what's the first thing that I need to do?

Your heart is oh, so true

No surprise I'm in love with you

You gave me that good feeling every time I felt so blue

Not to mention that good loving that I'm so addicted to

My heart and my body live exclusively for you.

So take me as I am,

I just wanna be your woman

The one you hold, the one you love, the one who helps and understands

See the determination in my eyes and love in my heart so true

So look at me and tell me baby, what you wanna do?

How Can I?

I have to turn it off. I just have to. I have to turn this burning love I have for Andre off. To move slowly enough. So that we can rebuild something. But how can I? How can I turn my back on those emotions? Longing to hold him, yearning for his kiss. I burn with anticipation, crave to have him inside me again. Nothing else in this world would make me happier than to have him like that. But the whole re-attachment disorder thing kinda fucked that up for me so now I'm going to the square 1 we should've started with from the beginning. So far we've had that initial conversation, getting to know each other. Trying to make jokes. I don't know how long I'll be able to keep this up but I know I have to. I want him to love me. I want him to be in love with me as I'm in love with him. I don't fucking want Terike to come back as a boyfriend to me. I don't. I want Andre. Somebody not many people know and can try to poison his mind against me. Andre's introverted to the 9s to say the least. I want someone I can be invisible with. I maybe have to worry about Courtney n Denile because they know Vernon and if Vernon n the rest of the band were to find out I dunno what the response would be. I want a relationship that can be kept secret. Like with Rory. No one knew we were together. I think I should maybe start with him while I work on Andre. Make him think I'm slowly moving on and getting myself better. All this, I'm doing just for him to see me in a different light. All these lengths I'm going to just for him. But he's worth it. I'm perfectly okay with doing this.

Blessed Be

My Heart Is Broken

I will wander until the end of time torn away from youI pulled away to face the pain. I close my eyes and drift away
Over the fear that I will never find a way to heal my soul and I will wander until the end of time torn away from youMy heart is broken. Sweet sleep, my dark angel. Deliver us from sorrow's hold over my heartI can't go on living this way. I can't go back the way I came. Chained to this fear that I will never find the way to heal my soul and I will wander until the end of the timeHalf alive without youMy heart is broken. Sweet sleep, my dark angel. Deliver us Change, open your eyes to the light I denied it all so long. Oh, so long. Say goodbye, goodbyeMy heart is broken. Release me, I can't hold on. Deliver usMy heart is broken. Sweet dreams my dark angel. Deliver usMy heart is broken. Sweet sleep, my dark angel. Deliver us from sorrow's hold

These words. They touch me deeply. They play out every single awful emotion I've been wanting to express but couldn't find the words. Tomorrow, I'm gonna sing them..granted I'm not gonna document it. But I need to let them be heard from my lips. Its not for anyone to hear. Even though there's one person I want to sing it to, just so he can hear my voice and feel the words as they flow from me. I want him to feel what I feel.

Blessed Be

Turned Tables

Okay now I've had too many weird encounters since Friday night. So after almost 3 years since our break up, Ed comes up to me and apologizes for the way he handled things then. Of course I forgave him....that's all I wanted to hear from him. I never held any grudges, I never hated him. I love him that much. I never stopped loving him.

Flash forward to Sunday. Yuffy comes along...his initial story was he wanted to try n help me, of course I called his bluff. But today he comes to me with a different story. He tried to kill himself because of all the bullshit he did to me n Rochelle (his ex) and honestly...I couldn't turn my back on him like that. The boy was a fucking manic depressive; I've never seen him like this before. He turned into me...and I turned into Andre when Terike left me. I feel so bad for him, he really loved her but of course his usual antics decided to rear their ugly head n got him in trouble. She kept him in check n now that she's gone...he has no one. He wants what I want. To feel loved, to feel wanted. To know that there's someone out there that cares for him. His friends aren't helping (no surprise there) so he came to me...knowing that I'd be so accepting and open but still careful. I showed him the affection he so desperately needed and I think that scratched the surface a little bit. I'm glad I can help where I can...but he wants the physical gratification of feeling me. But right now I can't because I'm physically incapable of doing that right now (aunt Rose) but he still doesn't need that. As much as he said it'd help him a little. I just can't.... I'm doing what Andre did to me; trying to be his friend. Loving him, but not the way he wants to be loved. Only Rochelle can do that. But I can give him my love (since no one else will take it) and hope I don't get the fuck over again but to how I saw him today I know he prolly won't.

I'm slowly getting used to the idea of being single ...Terike hasn't come to me with his confirmation so I'm "living it up" in a sense. I still wanna be with Andre, I love him, but he doesn't. And he won't take me. I gotta go smoke this off...

Blessed Be

Rant

Day 3: -sigh- I'm losing it. I can't think, I can barely function. Somehow I've managed to become re-addicted to sex. Part of me understands that what I really need right now is a friend but all I can think about is just fucking, drinking, smoking n cutting all my pain away. All I wanna do is torture myself til there's nothing left. I don't wanna be even a memory. Every awful break up I go through this is the initial process. Solitude, torture, mindless self indulgence whenever I can get around to it. I want payback for all my suffering but I know I'll never get it. There seems to be no justice in my world and that gives everyone the liberty to do with me what they will. They don't see me...they see what I did, the way I lived my life. They see my scars and they judge me because of it and I'm sick of it. I'm not even 100% sure if I have enough strength to be angry anymore. I just take it and take it and let it build up continuously. Part of me wonders how many people would be upset if I died. How many of my tormentors would regret doing what they did to me all those years. Would they look me in my closed eyes and whisper how sorry they are for torturing me for so long? That if they knew that this would've happened they'd have tried to help me? Or be nicer to me? Would they feel guilty that all their years of being monsters to me finally wore me down to my core and I couldn't take life anymore? And if they did say all these things could they really look my parents in the eye n tell them how sorry they are? And knowing my mother she'd be furious that these are the people who sent her baby girl to such an early grave. And think of my brothers even. They barely got time to spend with me in my baby days and they have to say goodbye so soon. Of course Chris n my dad would be the 2 stoic figures n all, but I am the baby of both sides any way you take it.

I feel so beyond lost and confused. My addictions are slowly creeping back. Mainly sex. I feel so much like a machine; as I mentioned earlier I just wanna fuck, smoke, drink n cut my frustrations away. But I know if I do cut myself, Andre won't ever touch me again...and that I can't handle. As tempted as I am to do it n hide it from him until its healed...but he touches me, especially my arms so he'd have definitely felt something out of the ordinary. He's the only reason why I haven't turned myself into a Christmas fucking ham yet. I love him so...but the fucked up side of me just wants to...well fuck him. And then there's the emotional half (the one who blogs n writes angry poems about screaming) just wants him to love me. I need him to love me. I wanna be with him. He accepts the fact that I'll never be able to have his children if we do get to that stage. I won't say he's The One, but if forever existed, I know I wanna spend it with him. I want him to fall in love with me. But I won't fuck with the fates this time...no spells, no magic. Just hoping Gaia hears me this time around. But she always does....but with this one I wanna make sure she does.

Blessed Be

Painful Consequence

Well its like this now. I don't even know where to start; still trying to get over the initial shock of it all and yet still I sit here typing this so very confused. I should be glad my relationship's over cuz I wasn't happy anymore...he didn't make me happy and I fell out of love. Under normal circumstances I should be happy. But then why this awful feeling of loneliness? I'm half guessing that it was cuz I was completely unprepared for it. I'd been seeing someone else and felt over the moon n stars, and because he wasn't particularly ready to jump for reasons I'll not reveal and I understood completely and I chose to wait for him to sort his issue out and I'd deal with things on my end. But I guess my issue got dealt with completely prematurely so it kind threw me for a loop. I wasn't prepared at all for what happened. It came as such a shock that I couldn't even think to try n tell him to stay. Part of me wanted to scream and wake every sleeping part of me n fight to the end.....but I didn't. I couldn't. And I can't understand why. Why didn't I speak up then? I just let him go on and on about how he knew I wasn't happy and how he gave me a chance to leave if I felt I needed to. I sat there in silence. And then when I did "come back to my senses" I made the same foolish notion that I did the first time we split to re-create the initial friendship...makeshift introductions n everything...now that's when my brain screamed out "You fucking idiot!" but what could I do? I don't want him completely out of my life, hence why I chose to settle for friendship.

Right now I'm completely at a loss. Its like when my gran died. I didn't cry...I tried to be strong...but in this circumstance I've definitely lost the little strength I had left in me. People ask me how I feel, all I can say is "Numb" like the day after I'd cut myself and remove the bandage....that whole area becomes numb, until I get it wet or clean it off. Imagine me still being hung up on 2 people at the same time. One person I'd been in love with since I was 12...almost giving up my whole life to move to New York n be closer...then the other...well its almost self-explanatory if you know me the way no one else would. But to explain it; this person was the one who caught me after Terike threw me off the cliff the first time. At that point in my life I would've done anything to have him back. What's the difference now? I'm not in love with him. Anyone I talked to about it pretty much agreed with me that the relationship was over already, just a matter of time before one of us actually says the word. But that doesn't stop it from hurting any less than it already does right now.

Goddess, if you can hear me...help me to be strong in this time of "bereavement"

Blessed Be.

Confusion

Well what can I say? My internship's over and it was kinda bittersweet. I was glad to leave the slave ship but at the same time devastated about leaving my friends there. Omar, Adrian (both of them) Troy n Theo (yes I called them my friends) Michael, Neville, Matches...all the merchandisers...like uncle Grace n uncle Nestle...n Marlon from Facey, Chad from Wisynco...especially Michael. He's been more part of me than I could ever imagine. And he loves me so very much. I think I do too...cuz throughout this whole thing, I've not once thought about Terike...I mean the separation felt good to the point where I feel so refreshed n whatnot but now I'm conflicted...do I stay with Michael? Or go back to Terike? I dunno.