Rant

Day 3: -sigh- I'm losing it. I can't think, I can barely function. Somehow I've managed to become re-addicted to sex. Part of me understands that what I really need right now is a friend but all I can think about is just fucking, drinking, smoking n cutting all my pain away. All I wanna do is torture myself til there's nothing left. I don't wanna be even a memory. Every awful break up I go through this is the initial process. Solitude, torture, mindless self indulgence whenever I can get around to it. I want payback for all my suffering but I know I'll never get it. There seems to be no justice in my world and that gives everyone the liberty to do with me what they will. They don't see me...they see what I did, the way I lived my life. They see my scars and they judge me because of it and I'm sick of it. I'm not even 100% sure if I have enough strength to be angry anymore. I just take it and take it and let it build up continuously. Part of me wonders how many people would be upset if I died. How many of my tormentors would regret doing what they did to me all those years. Would they look me in my closed eyes and whisper how sorry they are for torturing me for so long? That if they knew that this would've happened they'd have tried to help me? Or be nicer to me? Would they feel guilty that all their years of being monsters to me finally wore me down to my core and I couldn't take life anymore? And if they did say all these things could they really look my parents in the eye n tell them how sorry they are? And knowing my mother she'd be furious that these are the people who sent her baby girl to such an early grave. And think of my brothers even. They barely got time to spend with me in my baby days and they have to say goodbye so soon. Of course Chris n my dad would be the 2 stoic figures n all, but I am the baby of both sides any way you take it.

I feel so beyond lost and confused. My addictions are slowly creeping back. Mainly sex. I feel so much like a machine; as I mentioned earlier I just wanna fuck, smoke, drink n cut my frustrations away. But I know if I do cut myself, Andre won't ever touch me again...and that I can't handle. As tempted as I am to do it n hide it from him until its healed...but he touches me, especially my arms so he'd have definitely felt something out of the ordinary. He's the only reason why I haven't turned myself into a Christmas fucking ham yet. I love him so...but the fucked up side of me just wants to...well fuck him. And then there's the emotional half (the one who blogs n writes angry poems about screaming) just wants him to love me. I need him to love me. I wanna be with him. He accepts the fact that I'll never be able to have his children if we do get to that stage. I won't say he's The One, but if forever existed, I know I wanna spend it with him. I want him to fall in love with me. But I won't fuck with the fates this time...no spells, no magic. Just hoping Gaia hears me this time around. But she always does....but with this one I wanna make sure she does.

Blessed Be

Painful Consequence

Well its like this now. I don't even know where to start; still trying to get over the initial shock of it all and yet still I sit here typing this so very confused. I should be glad my relationship's over cuz I wasn't happy anymore...he didn't make me happy and I fell out of love. Under normal circumstances I should be happy. But then why this awful feeling of loneliness? I'm half guessing that it was cuz I was completely unprepared for it. I'd been seeing someone else and felt over the moon n stars, and because he wasn't particularly ready to jump for reasons I'll not reveal and I understood completely and I chose to wait for him to sort his issue out and I'd deal with things on my end. But I guess my issue got dealt with completely prematurely so it kind threw me for a loop. I wasn't prepared at all for what happened. It came as such a shock that I couldn't even think to try n tell him to stay. Part of me wanted to scream and wake every sleeping part of me n fight to the end.....but I didn't. I couldn't. And I can't understand why. Why didn't I speak up then? I just let him go on and on about how he knew I wasn't happy and how he gave me a chance to leave if I felt I needed to. I sat there in silence. And then when I did "come back to my senses" I made the same foolish notion that I did the first time we split to re-create the initial friendship...makeshift introductions n everything...now that's when my brain screamed out "You fucking idiot!" but what could I do? I don't want him completely out of my life, hence why I chose to settle for friendship.

Right now I'm completely at a loss. Its like when my gran died. I didn't cry...I tried to be strong...but in this circumstance I've definitely lost the little strength I had left in me. People ask me how I feel, all I can say is "Numb" like the day after I'd cut myself and remove the bandage....that whole area becomes numb, until I get it wet or clean it off. Imagine me still being hung up on 2 people at the same time. One person I'd been in love with since I was 12...almost giving up my whole life to move to New York n be closer...then the other...well its almost self-explanatory if you know me the way no one else would. But to explain it; this person was the one who caught me after Terike threw me off the cliff the first time. At that point in my life I would've done anything to have him back. What's the difference now? I'm not in love with him. Anyone I talked to about it pretty much agreed with me that the relationship was over already, just a matter of time before one of us actually says the word. But that doesn't stop it from hurting any less than it already does right now.

Goddess, if you can hear me...help me to be strong in this time of "bereavement"

Blessed Be.

Confusion

Well what can I say? My internship's over and it was kinda bittersweet. I was glad to leave the slave ship but at the same time devastated about leaving my friends there. Omar, Adrian (both of them) Troy n Theo (yes I called them my friends) Michael, Neville, Matches...all the merchandisers...like uncle Grace n uncle Nestle...n Marlon from Facey, Chad from Wisynco...especially Michael. He's been more part of me than I could ever imagine. And he loves me so very much. I think I do too...cuz throughout this whole thing, I've not once thought about Terike...I mean the separation felt good to the point where I feel so refreshed n whatnot but now I'm conflicted...do I stay with Michael? Or go back to Terike? I dunno.

~Lost~

I think I'm losing myself again. Slowly but surely getting unattached to everything. I feel seriously out of place in every situation imaginable. At work, with my friends; fuck I don't even feel at home in my own house anymore. Its like my mind is here, my body is elsewhere and my heart is even further away from both. Sleep doesn't come easy anymore...Dr. Gabay says he might have to prescribe me sleeping pills again. 


Today I went off on Theo because even though he was playing around, certain things he just shouldn't push and as many times as I told him "Don't push me, don't push me, DON'T FUCKING PUSH ME!" I lost it. No one expected that so I had to walk away n cool off for a minute. Everyone at Hi-Lo sees this innocent smile, semi-attractive body n child-like personality when in truth; I use that to hide my true self. The true self that they see on my arm but are too scared to ask about. 


I don't want anyone to see that side of me, not unless they really close to me. I'm not saying Theo shouldn't be obligated to like; brush past me n ask for a hug like he normally does, but there is a limit to how much bullshit I'm willing to put up with. Just like how I've been hearing about how the merchandiser from Nestle lost his wits one day at work because Neville drew him out, its the same with me. I have a very short fuse and today they learned it. Now He comes to me saying that I'm going around saying that both him n Troy looking me when I said "I wouldn't be surprised if 1 or both of them start look me" and SO SAID, SO FUCKING DONE.... 1 try look me.


So now it seems I can only trust Michael. Uncle Nestle n Sean from Red Stripe are still shell shocked that that much rage can escape from little old me. I'm just tired of the assumptions is all. Honestly, the only thing I can count of to keep my mind in check is flirting with some of the younger merchandisers, like Chad from Wisynco or Marlon from Facey. I don't give em my number or try go too far with it but when I feel a bit dragged down, they make me smile. I don't do much; just a smile every now n then. Sometimes I help Chad stack the shelves, I'll pick Uncle Grace's feather duster n knock Marlon slightly in the back n give him a smile. Same with Adrian n Omar...The little things just seem to put my mind at ease.


My mind is worn out, my body feels week and my heart...I dunno what's left of that. I don't feel connected to it anymore...I've lost my definition of love, the real meaning of my own name.


I'm just...
~Lost~
~Someone Save Me~

Tired

I'm getting tired. Tired of the routine....my eyes are starting to wander again but I don't want a new boyfriend. Where I work, I get flirted with everyday, whether its because of my voice or the fact that I look underage or maybe even the fact that they think I'm attractive (obviously I don't see what they see). Sometimes I flirt back but not with words, with my eyes. When they talk to me, I give them a look that pulls them in. But I don't take their numbers or anything.


I have one person that I can truly just talk to. His name's Michael. He always calls me "Your beautifullness". Its so adorable! I like when he helps me with merchandising work, or even today in the bakery; hell he even got me rum! He sometimes seeks my advice on things, right now he's having a hard time with his gf. He wants to marry her n they're both virgins but it seems he's running out of patience. I don't blame him, all that pent up sexual frustration just not going anywhere. Hell, I'd lose patience too.


Back to my exhaustion. Goddess knows I love Terike but the time apart we spend working at different locations (I'm at Hi-Lo Barbican, he's at Michi SuperCenter) gives me time to get fresh air, so to speak. I don't think about him, I don't have to talk about him. Its almost like he doesn't exist while I'm at work. And all this freedom has gotten me a few eyes and smiles around the store, sometimes I like the attention, other times its annoying. Like sometimes I just wanna do my work without any distractions, but I do feel a bit lonely though and that's when I turn to Michael. He may be a Christian but he can get down with me.


Theo is a character to say the least. Always likes walking extra close to me. I have him to work with tomorrow(I have every intention of switching with Ian tomorrow after he ditched me with Squire) but he's tres` young in attitude, but a year older than me. Him n Matches seem to always team up on me. But then you have Neville down in the warehouse. Now THAT is a character. Always singing n then when he's not singing he's flirting with me, lol. He's okay otherwise so I don't mind the flirts.


-sigh- About 6 more days until I'm done though. What happens after, hopefully if they like me, they'll take me on. If any of the merchandisers like me, maybe they'll take me on. I just have to wait n see what happens. But this is the perfect distraction from Terike.


Blessed Be