Thursday, August 30, 2012
Thinking
What can I say? I'm hooked. On this one person who can't even give me 100% of himself yet still. I'm giving it my all to make this "forbidden" relationship work. Knowing full well that I'm setting myself up for danger and heartache. He says I'm special to him just as much as she is. He spends more time with me and that's how it should be. That's how I need it to be. I know I can't have him and it makes me so mad but I'm still choosing to stay. But then he tells me if shit do hit the fan then he'll "work something out" for me. I mean its almost like he's gonna pay me off or something. I'm waiting to see what it really is. Is it so wrong to want something to have all for me? After all the giving I've done whether willing or not; isn't it my turn to keep something meaningful for myself? And nurture and take care of? I wish that girl would just leave him so I'd finally get a shot at happiness. Last night on the phone I told him if something goes wrong between us then its the end. No more loving, no more giving chances. I'm either gonna take myself out of the equation....or disappear out of sight. That way no one gets to have me. I won't say I feel used by him because that is the last thing I feel. I mean we spend almost every waking moment in some form of communication. I wanna be his and his alone but I can't. But he told me I belong to him (at my begging) because I did give myself to him. My heart(what's left of it), body n soul. Why do I have so much love to give?? Its like a reservoir that won't dry up. When I think that I've used up all I have, something comes along and brings me back to life. Yes I'm young (15 years younger than him) but if we're gonna compare life experiences then we're almost equal in a way. All I can really say is...I don't quite like the situation we're in but I asked for it. But I still have a right to complain if something bothers me because I'm not into turning the other cheek when I smell bullshit. I love him with a love that even I myself couldn't even imagine. He has this hold on me that I can't figure out but I don't want him to let me go. I want him to fight for me...as I've been fighting for him. I know 2 months is a short time to be feeling so strongly for someone but for crying out loud I've done worse. This is almost completely alien to me and I still wanna explore. We do things than normal couples kinda would do. So I'm gonna consider this as a relationship and treat it as such.
Tuesday, August 28, 2012
Vent/Update/Head Clearing
This past month...month n some change has been....I don't even know how to describe it. Between reconciling with Andre and making sense of what's been going on with my love life. Me n Andre had been "dealing" since like...before Labour Day but we had more downs than ups really. But the truth is he misses me just as much as I miss him but he couldn't tell me because he was afraid of repeating history. By history I mean me getting clingy again. I realize that our original relationship was based on just sex...but I loved him, still do. And he even gave me a small ounce of hope. Though it isn't much hope cuz he could just as easily not choose me to be his n pick someone else. But I guess its kinda an improvement after everything that happened to us. But lately my sights have...shifted a bit. While Jones was the perfect therapist when I was going through the wringer, I supposed going to see his show that one time kinda gave me a good feeling. But first it was me n him flirting. Like almost every night on Skype kinda thing, I teased a bit but only enough to make him just NEED to be inside me. But then he broke his foot n we had a tiny falling out n I guess I kinda strayed away in a sense. That's when I met Neville. Honestly...at first I wasn't even aiming for him...but I knew that both Drew n Vinnie prolly have girlfriends so I didn't wanna make any waves so I guess I chose him. I know my eyes were fixated on him at that Chelsea show and I just HAD to know more.
So we...talked...then we flirted. Then I noticed that...he's really cool and...I think I'm crushing on him. So we finally linked up at a rave and I was hanging with him but mingling and dancing with my friends. But for the rest of the night I was all his. I never left his side (halfly because I was high as fuck) but I didn't want to be anywhere else but right next to him. I held his hand (pinky first, then it moved to my whole hand). Then for a split second, I turned around to walk away and he pulled me into him. He held me tight like he didn't wanna let me go and that was the absolute best feeling in that entire night. We were 2 souls combined, his hands caressing my skin, the heat coming from both of us just made me feel so alive inside. I had to feel him. So a couple weeks later we finally met up after many nights on Skype and FB and I enjoyed all the time I spent with him doing absolutely nothing. Our first encounter without all the people around us. We smoked, we listened to music, he worked but he was so adorable worrying about me being bored but I really wasn't because being this close to him was more important. Feeling his lips against mine, his skin on my skin, hearing him say how much he loves this feeling and he never wants to let me go. What girl could ask for more? I guess maybe him loving me would be a good start.
In the beginning he told me that he was....kinda but not exactly seeing someone n its been that way for a long time now and I came in and just changed everything. I said I wanted to stay with him regardless. Normally when someone tells me he's kinda dating someone that's when I take myself out of the equation. By right that's what I should do. To save myself from heartache but I just...I dunno why I chose to stay with him. Knowing I'm gonna get hurt in the process. But I love him so much. Its like...the love I had for Andre. Wanting nothing more but to be his even though he had issues dealing with. I waited for Andre. I tried to stay with him even though I had it in my mind that he might not wanna be with me in the end. I stayed; knowing that awful back thought. Moving on. I finally admit that I'm in love with Neville. But every now and again....she comes into play. And I don't mean her calling him n he HAS to go link her. We just end up talking about it and where I'll end up after that. I want him to keep me. I want to be only his, out of everyone that tries to step to me I turn them down for a man who's like 14 years older than me who's already in a relationship. I mean we do things that normal couples do. We're always communicating, we think of each other like constantly...and the sex...yeah so we're basically a functioning couple but he doesn't see it that way. If I was the spiteful type I would actually seek her out n tell her what he's been doing behind her back in the hopes that she'd leave him and maybe there'd be room for me. But I'm not.
There's so many things I wanna say to her but I can't because I'm sworn. No one really knows the full extent of what's going on between us. But some might have a hint after Friday night when he was all lovey-dovey with me. I loved every moment of our time together and I so with it could be like that always. He has this sort of hold over me that I can't understand but I embrace it, I said I wanted everything that came with him. But I don't like it. Yet still I'm here; giving him my love. Giving him everything I am. Like the girlfriend I shouldn't be. I said I wasn't gonna get back out there yet here comes this skinny 35 year old vampire who has cast some sorta spell on me that I refuse to break from. I'm barely understanding what's going on between us. I'm setting myself up to get hurt but...I want him so bad that wanting him is what hurts. Him hurting me...isn't what's on my mind. I yearn for this man. I want him to be all mine. I use my imagination and Monkgomery turns into him. His arms wrapped around me. Holding on to me for dear life.
What am I supposed to do? I need him. I love him. He should be with me. But he isn't. And that's what kills me.
So we...talked...then we flirted. Then I noticed that...he's really cool and...I think I'm crushing on him. So we finally linked up at a rave and I was hanging with him but mingling and dancing with my friends. But for the rest of the night I was all his. I never left his side (halfly because I was high as fuck) but I didn't want to be anywhere else but right next to him. I held his hand (pinky first, then it moved to my whole hand). Then for a split second, I turned around to walk away and he pulled me into him. He held me tight like he didn't wanna let me go and that was the absolute best feeling in that entire night. We were 2 souls combined, his hands caressing my skin, the heat coming from both of us just made me feel so alive inside. I had to feel him. So a couple weeks later we finally met up after many nights on Skype and FB and I enjoyed all the time I spent with him doing absolutely nothing. Our first encounter without all the people around us. We smoked, we listened to music, he worked but he was so adorable worrying about me being bored but I really wasn't because being this close to him was more important. Feeling his lips against mine, his skin on my skin, hearing him say how much he loves this feeling and he never wants to let me go. What girl could ask for more? I guess maybe him loving me would be a good start.
In the beginning he told me that he was....kinda but not exactly seeing someone n its been that way for a long time now and I came in and just changed everything. I said I wanted to stay with him regardless. Normally when someone tells me he's kinda dating someone that's when I take myself out of the equation. By right that's what I should do. To save myself from heartache but I just...I dunno why I chose to stay with him. Knowing I'm gonna get hurt in the process. But I love him so much. Its like...the love I had for Andre. Wanting nothing more but to be his even though he had issues dealing with. I waited for Andre. I tried to stay with him even though I had it in my mind that he might not wanna be with me in the end. I stayed; knowing that awful back thought. Moving on. I finally admit that I'm in love with Neville. But every now and again....she comes into play. And I don't mean her calling him n he HAS to go link her. We just end up talking about it and where I'll end up after that. I want him to keep me. I want to be only his, out of everyone that tries to step to me I turn them down for a man who's like 14 years older than me who's already in a relationship. I mean we do things that normal couples do. We're always communicating, we think of each other like constantly...and the sex...yeah so we're basically a functioning couple but he doesn't see it that way. If I was the spiteful type I would actually seek her out n tell her what he's been doing behind her back in the hopes that she'd leave him and maybe there'd be room for me. But I'm not.
There's so many things I wanna say to her but I can't because I'm sworn. No one really knows the full extent of what's going on between us. But some might have a hint after Friday night when he was all lovey-dovey with me. I loved every moment of our time together and I so with it could be like that always. He has this sort of hold over me that I can't understand but I embrace it, I said I wanted everything that came with him. But I don't like it. Yet still I'm here; giving him my love. Giving him everything I am. Like the girlfriend I shouldn't be. I said I wasn't gonna get back out there yet here comes this skinny 35 year old vampire who has cast some sorta spell on me that I refuse to break from. I'm barely understanding what's going on between us. I'm setting myself up to get hurt but...I want him so bad that wanting him is what hurts. Him hurting me...isn't what's on my mind. I yearn for this man. I want him to be all mine. I use my imagination and Monkgomery turns into him. His arms wrapped around me. Holding on to me for dear life.
What am I supposed to do? I need him. I love him. He should be with me. But he isn't. And that's what kills me.
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