Discoveries- December 8, 2012

So I finally met Rhadya (First wife) because according to Islamic law a man is allowed 4 wives. I’m the second…Rhadya is the first n mother of Malakai. 

To be honest I really didn’t wanna because I still feel like she has that advantage over me. Its only natural I feel insecure about that. Also adding to the fact that I might not be able to conceive and maybe he won’t love me as much; that scares me. She says that essentially we are like sisters and the more we bless him with our love, the better he becomes as a man and the more love he gives to us, the better we both become as women. Essentially this whole process is for all 3 of us to help each other because we revolve as a circle, one unit. But I still can’t help feeling out of place in all this now that I’ve seen her face. She has nicknames for him, they been together 10 years, the share Kai but she’s exactly like me..or I’m exactly like her. She took Shahada and he told her the name he picked out for me (Waheeda; meaning Unique)

I not sure how much she really knows but I have to admit that she’s right. We are a family whether I like it or not she is my sister because “that’s what we all are, under Allah. We are all brothers n sisters” And now I know where he got his speech mannerisms from..or the other way around cuz they speak exactly alike; annoyingly so. But right now I still need to wrap my head around the idea of knowing who she is and I guess there was some small comfort in knowing she sometimes feels the same way I do. That move he made could potentially cost him both of us. Meaning he could’ve lost us both but I guess we’re sorta okay with each other now. She says that one thing we have in common is that we both love him

But I dunno if I can get used to sharing him. Not to mention 2 people loving the same person. I know I’m all about free love, yes but being that I just recently really discovered what I been feeling has a name and a definition. I don’t wanna take Shahada because I’ve not accepted the idea of there being a god, be it Allah or Christ. He only embraced the idea of me acknowledging the idea of there being a supreme being that created all this. Or Darwin’s theory. Honestly the latter seems more logical to me. I can’t lie, that’s been my basic stance for 5 years. And I know she asked him why I won’t take it. And I guess I have to learn that she exists and she married him first and I guess she’s not so bad. I not go be all chummy-chummy from day 1. She wants to be able to get me to talk about things I won’t say out loud or to Saadiq and it just doesn’t work that way. Before I speak up; I write it down. Cuz they’re both pushing me to speak n all its doing is pushing me deeper into a box. I love Saadiq obviously n truly. Yeah I’m difficult but that’s part of me. I writ more than I speak and when I do speak, it may sometimes be in volumes; other times it won’t. Just wait it out.

What A Saturday Night- November 17-18, 2012

I believe that I can be happy again after everything that I been through. That I’m more than what happened to me. This person has shown me that he is living proof that someone can rise above their struggles. So many people have told stories of their trouble and how they overcame them and I was always skeptical because I never saw the pain in their eyes as they told their stories so I didn’t immediately believe them but I could see it in his eyes even without seeing his eyes and I believe in my heart that he’s not lying to me and I trust him completely. There is a positive impact coming from him to me and its showing on me and I see that’s he’s giving me the tools to be better and to rise above all the bad things and I love him for that. 

This is something completely different for me. Instead of repeating the same process over and over and getting hurt all over again and wondering why this keeps happening to me I can slow down and just go with the flow with him one day at a time. This journey we’re about to go on, for the most part will be difficult cuz I know that I’m a handful and hot tempered but I have to learn to harness all that fire and pull down my walls so that we can grow together and be more than all the other struggles of the past.

So I know I said January til you get an update on the verbal agreement thing I mentioned recently but…… yeah not January but last night in a nut shell. really n truly it was a double “nikah” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marriage_in_Islam) us…and his brother and his lady couldn’t wait anymore (IDK what is it with them n not sleeping at night cuz a we but such is life) I’m not gonna get into the particulars of the actual process cuz that’s why I left the Wiki link there but long story short the whole thing took 20 minutes. We (myself n “bride #2” not calling no names) each had a representative speak on our behalf as to whether we accept the grooms’ hand in marriage with a particular bridal gift and those reps had to make sure that whatever was promised to us has to be presented in a certain amount of time…mine was less complicated cuz I’m so simple lol. If they accepted the men’s proposal n gift then the only thing left to do was for the men to take our hands and that was that. See its so much less complicated than a Western wedding with the whole pick out date, church, dress n food thing. Just the witnesses and the person conducting the whole thing…and in our case it was their brother (no problem) the weird thing was tho…after the whole thing was over he pulled me by my hair roots n whispered a prayer in my ear…like it was supposed to bless me…n bless the union we just entered. (Im’a definitely get that translated…n no it didn’t hurt) but…the cliff’s notes version is….blushing brides were blushing…but after everything was said and done the 4 of us are happy n -in my case- kinda healthy. Last night was good. Minus forgetting my insulin at Chelsea but that’s another story in itself.

Blessed Be.

Verbal Agreement- November 5, 2012

So…in 2 months I’m entering this relationship with someone via a verbal agreement…in front of witnesses; kinda like a wedding but without the fandangles like a marriage certificate n a white dress. But the explanation I got is that, we go before 3 people. One conducts, 2 witness. We’re both given a brief guideline of the bond being formed, he presents me with his dower (he clearly got the terminologies mixed up.), I accept it and our journey begins. Its more of a husband and wife relationship as opposed to me being his girlfriend and he my boyfriend. But I’m honestly ready to put myself back out there. Rather; I’m ready to give myself completely to this person…he has that maturity I seek in a man and I know he has the ability to teach me things that I at my age can’t understand and I’m willing to be his student in all things.There is this fire that has rivaled any other I’ve ever experienced with anyone else. But even all the red flags that should have pushed me away…after the initial shock n anger…I guess it just stopped bothering me after we both discussed it in a way that would make me understand the kinda man he is. And I’m just drawn to that. He’s so traditional…I feel like a virgin to be completely honest because he’s waiting til after this verbal agreement is made to “bed me” he calls it. He’s told his brothers about me…he’s told his…”companion” about me and I know about her…eventually he’ll tell his son about me and then I’ll meet who I’m supposed to meet. I haven’t told anyone on my side about what’s happening except Gayna because she’s the only person I trust. And I really want her to be a part of this transition I’m making. She’s my best friend. And those 2 are gonna end up in a sit down where I’ll find out whether she approves of him or not.

I believe in my heart that he won’t hurt me and I feel amazingly safe with him. He tells me every day “You truly are absolutely wonderful” and for some reason all I want is to feel the heat of his skin next to mine. I’m ready to submit my body to this man…I’m ready to give my heart to this man with the assurance that he is the one to heal me and make me better than I am now…he yearns for my touch…just as much as I yearn for his “I better hurry my ass up with your Dauri” lol. But for some reason he’s still in disbelief that I’m actually 21 because of the way we’ve been talking. He says he’s never encountered someone like me before and it is affecting him…I’ve never felt this confidence in my entire dating history. We’re both hoping that we can do right by each other and appreciate each other because so far all this feels like such a good thing. He makes me feel like I’m doing the right thing by giving my heart to him.

I’ll update y’all in 2 months. =]

Thinking

What can I say? I'm hooked. On this one person who can't even give me 100% of himself yet still. I'm giving it my all to make this "forbidden" relationship work. Knowing full well that I'm setting myself up for danger and heartache. He says I'm special to him just as much as she is. He spends more time with me and that's how it should be. That's how I need it to be. I know I can't have him and it makes me so mad but I'm still choosing to stay. But then he tells me if shit do hit the fan then he'll "work something out" for me. I mean its almost like he's gonna pay me off or something. I'm waiting to see what it really is. Is it so wrong to want something to have all for me? After all the giving I've done whether willing or not; isn't it my turn to keep something meaningful for myself? And nurture and take care of? I wish that girl would just leave him so I'd finally get a shot at happiness. Last night on the phone I told him if something goes wrong between us then its the end. No more loving, no more giving chances. I'm either gonna take myself out of the equation....or disappear out of sight. That way no one gets to have me. I won't say I feel used by him because that is the last thing I feel. I mean we spend almost every waking moment in some form of communication. I wanna be his and his alone but I can't. But he told me I belong to him (at my begging) because I did give myself to him. My heart(what's left of it), body n soul. Why do I have so much love to give?? Its like a reservoir that won't dry up. When I think that I've used up all I have, something comes along and brings me back to life. Yes I'm young (15 years younger than him) but if we're gonna compare life experiences then we're almost equal in a way. All I can really say is...I don't quite like the situation we're in but I asked for it. But I still have a right to complain if something bothers me because I'm not into turning the other cheek when I smell bullshit. I love him with a love that even I myself couldn't even imagine. He has this hold on me that I can't figure out but I don't want him to let me go. I want him to fight for me...as I've been fighting for him. I know 2 months is a short time to be feeling so strongly for someone but for crying out loud I've done worse. This is almost completely alien to me and I still wanna explore. We do things than normal couples kinda would do. So I'm gonna consider this as a relationship and treat it as such.

Vent/Update/Head Clearing

This past month...month n some change has been....I don't even know how to describe it. Between reconciling with Andre and making sense of what's been going on with my love life. Me n Andre had been "dealing" since like...before Labour Day but we had more downs than ups really. But the truth is he misses me just as much as I miss him but he couldn't tell me because he was afraid of repeating history. By history I mean me getting clingy again. I realize that our original relationship was based on just sex...but I loved him, still do. And he even gave me a small ounce of hope. Though it isn't much hope cuz he could just as easily not choose me to be his n pick someone else. But I guess its kinda an improvement after everything that happened to us. But lately my sights have...shifted a bit. While Jones was the perfect therapist when I was going through the wringer, I supposed going to see his show that one time kinda gave me a good feeling. But first it was me n him flirting. Like almost every night on Skype kinda thing, I teased a bit but only enough to make him just NEED to be inside me. But then he broke his foot n we had a tiny falling out n I guess I kinda strayed away in a sense. That's when I met Neville. Honestly...at first I wasn't even aiming for him...but I knew that both Drew n Vinnie prolly have girlfriends so I didn't wanna make any waves so I guess I chose him. I know my eyes were fixated on him at that Chelsea show and I just HAD to know more.

So we...talked...then we flirted. Then I noticed that...he's really cool and...I think I'm crushing on him. So we finally linked up at a rave and I was hanging with him but mingling and dancing with my friends. But for the rest of the night I was all his. I never left his side (halfly because I was high as fuck) but I didn't want to be anywhere else but right next to him. I held his hand (pinky first, then it moved to my whole hand). Then for a split second, I turned around to walk away and he pulled me into him. He held me tight like he didn't wanna let me go and that was the absolute best feeling in that entire night. We were 2 souls combined, his hands caressing my skin, the heat coming from both of us just made me feel so alive inside. I had to feel him. So a couple weeks later we finally met up after many nights on Skype and FB and I enjoyed all the time I spent with him doing absolutely nothing. Our first encounter without all the people around us. We smoked, we listened to music, he worked but he was so adorable worrying about me being bored but I really wasn't because being this close to him was more important. Feeling his lips against mine, his skin on my skin, hearing him say how much he loves this feeling and he never wants to let me go. What girl could ask for more? I guess maybe him loving me would be a good start.

In the beginning he told me that he was....kinda but not exactly seeing someone n its been that way for a long time now and I came in and just changed everything. I said I wanted to stay with him regardless. Normally when someone tells me he's kinda dating someone that's when I take myself out of the equation. By right that's what I should do. To save myself from heartache but I just...I dunno why I chose to stay with him. Knowing I'm gonna get hurt in the process. But I love him so much. Its like...the love I had for Andre. Wanting nothing more but to be his even though he had issues dealing with. I waited for Andre. I tried to stay with him even though I had it in my mind that he might not wanna be with me in the end. I stayed; knowing that awful back thought. Moving on. I finally admit that I'm in love with Neville. But every now and again....she comes into play. And I don't mean her calling him n he HAS to go link her. We just end up talking about it and where I'll end up after that. I want him to keep me. I want to be only his, out of everyone that tries to step to me I turn them down for a man who's like 14 years older than me who's already in a relationship. I mean we do things that normal couples do. We're always communicating, we think of each other like constantly...and the sex...yeah so we're basically a functioning couple but he doesn't see it that way. If I was the spiteful type I would actually seek her out n tell her what he's been doing behind her back in the hopes that she'd leave him and maybe there'd be room for me. But I'm not.

There's so many things I wanna say to her but I can't because I'm sworn. No one really knows the full extent of what's going on between us. But some might have a hint after Friday night when he was all lovey-dovey with me. I loved every moment of our time together and I so with it could be like that always. He has this sort of hold over me that I can't understand but I embrace it, I said I wanted everything that came with him. But I don't like it. Yet still I'm here; giving him my love. Giving him everything I am. Like the girlfriend I shouldn't be. I said I wasn't gonna get back out there yet here comes this skinny 35 year old vampire who has cast some sorta spell on me that I refuse to break from. I'm barely understanding what's going on between us. I'm setting myself up to get hurt but...I want him so bad that wanting him is what hurts. Him hurting me...isn't what's on my mind. I yearn for this man. I want him to be all mine. I use my imagination and Monkgomery turns into him. His arms wrapped around me. Holding on to me for dear life.


What am I supposed to do? I need him. I love him. He should be with me. But he isn't. And that's what kills me.

~Confessions of the Confused Soul~

Ever since I was little, I always found some way to see the good in a person, no matter how many times I was told that that same person was no good. That trait has followed me to this very day. I'm always incapable of seeing the bad in a person until they hurt me and even then; I still believe, trust and sometimes even love that person. They all make claims to be "no good" for me; but I show them the light that I see that they sometimes didn't know they had. And even know I always set myself up for heartache, I continue to love and believe in anyone who my heart tells me to care for.

I dunno if I have the strength to continue like that though. I love even though its one-sided most of the time. I care even though I'll never get the same. I believe in even though no one would believe in me. Will I always give my all and not hear that my effort was actually worth while? And even when all that does happen, I still continue the same habits...maybe I'm a glutton for punishment.

What You Wanna Do

Trying to communicate the gestures,

I'm open to suggestions.

Trying to understand your mind without being accused of invasion.

Cuz there are some parts of your mind that I just cannot touch...

Let me tell you this, baby; I love you so much.

Trying to understand the design,

What's your reason or the rhyme?

The way you think, how you speak, the intimate details, so divine.

I wanna be a part of you.....

So, tell me baby what's the first thing that I need to do?

Your heart is oh, so true

No surprise I'm in love with you

You gave me that good feeling every time I felt so blue

Not to mention that good loving that I'm so addicted to

My heart and my body live exclusively for you.

So take me as I am,

I just wanna be your woman

The one you hold, the one you love, the one who helps and understands

See the determination in my eyes and love in my heart so true

So look at me and tell me baby, what you wanna do?

How Can I?

I have to turn it off. I just have to. I have to turn this burning love I have for Andre off. To move slowly enough. So that we can rebuild something. But how can I? How can I turn my back on those emotions? Longing to hold him, yearning for his kiss. I burn with anticipation, crave to have him inside me again. Nothing else in this world would make me happier than to have him like that. But the whole re-attachment disorder thing kinda fucked that up for me so now I'm going to the square 1 we should've started with from the beginning. So far we've had that initial conversation, getting to know each other. Trying to make jokes. I don't know how long I'll be able to keep this up but I know I have to. I want him to love me. I want him to be in love with me as I'm in love with him. I don't fucking want Terike to come back as a boyfriend to me. I don't. I want Andre. Somebody not many people know and can try to poison his mind against me. Andre's introverted to the 9s to say the least. I want someone I can be invisible with. I maybe have to worry about Courtney n Denile because they know Vernon and if Vernon n the rest of the band were to find out I dunno what the response would be. I want a relationship that can be kept secret. Like with Rory. No one knew we were together. I think I should maybe start with him while I work on Andre. Make him think I'm slowly moving on and getting myself better. All this, I'm doing just for him to see me in a different light. All these lengths I'm going to just for him. But he's worth it. I'm perfectly okay with doing this.

Blessed Be

My Heart Is Broken

I will wander until the end of time torn away from youI pulled away to face the pain. I close my eyes and drift away
Over the fear that I will never find a way to heal my soul and I will wander until the end of time torn away from youMy heart is broken. Sweet sleep, my dark angel. Deliver us from sorrow's hold over my heartI can't go on living this way. I can't go back the way I came. Chained to this fear that I will never find the way to heal my soul and I will wander until the end of the timeHalf alive without youMy heart is broken. Sweet sleep, my dark angel. Deliver us Change, open your eyes to the light I denied it all so long. Oh, so long. Say goodbye, goodbyeMy heart is broken. Release me, I can't hold on. Deliver usMy heart is broken. Sweet dreams my dark angel. Deliver usMy heart is broken. Sweet sleep, my dark angel. Deliver us from sorrow's hold

These words. They touch me deeply. They play out every single awful emotion I've been wanting to express but couldn't find the words. Tomorrow, I'm gonna sing them..granted I'm not gonna document it. But I need to let them be heard from my lips. Its not for anyone to hear. Even though there's one person I want to sing it to, just so he can hear my voice and feel the words as they flow from me. I want him to feel what I feel.

Blessed Be

Turned Tables

Okay now I've had too many weird encounters since Friday night. So after almost 3 years since our break up, Ed comes up to me and apologizes for the way he handled things then. Of course I forgave him....that's all I wanted to hear from him. I never held any grudges, I never hated him. I love him that much. I never stopped loving him.

Flash forward to Sunday. Yuffy comes along...his initial story was he wanted to try n help me, of course I called his bluff. But today he comes to me with a different story. He tried to kill himself because of all the bullshit he did to me n Rochelle (his ex) and honestly...I couldn't turn my back on him like that. The boy was a fucking manic depressive; I've never seen him like this before. He turned into me...and I turned into Andre when Terike left me. I feel so bad for him, he really loved her but of course his usual antics decided to rear their ugly head n got him in trouble. She kept him in check n now that she's gone...he has no one. He wants what I want. To feel loved, to feel wanted. To know that there's someone out there that cares for him. His friends aren't helping (no surprise there) so he came to me...knowing that I'd be so accepting and open but still careful. I showed him the affection he so desperately needed and I think that scratched the surface a little bit. I'm glad I can help where I can...but he wants the physical gratification of feeling me. But right now I can't because I'm physically incapable of doing that right now (aunt Rose) but he still doesn't need that. As much as he said it'd help him a little. I just can't.... I'm doing what Andre did to me; trying to be his friend. Loving him, but not the way he wants to be loved. Only Rochelle can do that. But I can give him my love (since no one else will take it) and hope I don't get the fuck over again but to how I saw him today I know he prolly won't.

I'm slowly getting used to the idea of being single ...Terike hasn't come to me with his confirmation so I'm "living it up" in a sense. I still wanna be with Andre, I love him, but he doesn't. And he won't take me. I gotta go smoke this off...

Blessed Be

Rant

Day 3: -sigh- I'm losing it. I can't think, I can barely function. Somehow I've managed to become re-addicted to sex. Part of me understands that what I really need right now is a friend but all I can think about is just fucking, drinking, smoking n cutting all my pain away. All I wanna do is torture myself til there's nothing left. I don't wanna be even a memory. Every awful break up I go through this is the initial process. Solitude, torture, mindless self indulgence whenever I can get around to it. I want payback for all my suffering but I know I'll never get it. There seems to be no justice in my world and that gives everyone the liberty to do with me what they will. They don't see me...they see what I did, the way I lived my life. They see my scars and they judge me because of it and I'm sick of it. I'm not even 100% sure if I have enough strength to be angry anymore. I just take it and take it and let it build up continuously. Part of me wonders how many people would be upset if I died. How many of my tormentors would regret doing what they did to me all those years. Would they look me in my closed eyes and whisper how sorry they are for torturing me for so long? That if they knew that this would've happened they'd have tried to help me? Or be nicer to me? Would they feel guilty that all their years of being monsters to me finally wore me down to my core and I couldn't take life anymore? And if they did say all these things could they really look my parents in the eye n tell them how sorry they are? And knowing my mother she'd be furious that these are the people who sent her baby girl to such an early grave. And think of my brothers even. They barely got time to spend with me in my baby days and they have to say goodbye so soon. Of course Chris n my dad would be the 2 stoic figures n all, but I am the baby of both sides any way you take it.

I feel so beyond lost and confused. My addictions are slowly creeping back. Mainly sex. I feel so much like a machine; as I mentioned earlier I just wanna fuck, smoke, drink n cut my frustrations away. But I know if I do cut myself, Andre won't ever touch me again...and that I can't handle. As tempted as I am to do it n hide it from him until its healed...but he touches me, especially my arms so he'd have definitely felt something out of the ordinary. He's the only reason why I haven't turned myself into a Christmas fucking ham yet. I love him so...but the fucked up side of me just wants to...well fuck him. And then there's the emotional half (the one who blogs n writes angry poems about screaming) just wants him to love me. I need him to love me. I wanna be with him. He accepts the fact that I'll never be able to have his children if we do get to that stage. I won't say he's The One, but if forever existed, I know I wanna spend it with him. I want him to fall in love with me. But I won't fuck with the fates this time...no spells, no magic. Just hoping Gaia hears me this time around. But she always does....but with this one I wanna make sure she does.

Blessed Be

Painful Consequence

Well its like this now. I don't even know where to start; still trying to get over the initial shock of it all and yet still I sit here typing this so very confused. I should be glad my relationship's over cuz I wasn't happy anymore...he didn't make me happy and I fell out of love. Under normal circumstances I should be happy. But then why this awful feeling of loneliness? I'm half guessing that it was cuz I was completely unprepared for it. I'd been seeing someone else and felt over the moon n stars, and because he wasn't particularly ready to jump for reasons I'll not reveal and I understood completely and I chose to wait for him to sort his issue out and I'd deal with things on my end. But I guess my issue got dealt with completely prematurely so it kind threw me for a loop. I wasn't prepared at all for what happened. It came as such a shock that I couldn't even think to try n tell him to stay. Part of me wanted to scream and wake every sleeping part of me n fight to the end.....but I didn't. I couldn't. And I can't understand why. Why didn't I speak up then? I just let him go on and on about how he knew I wasn't happy and how he gave me a chance to leave if I felt I needed to. I sat there in silence. And then when I did "come back to my senses" I made the same foolish notion that I did the first time we split to re-create the initial friendship...makeshift introductions n everything...now that's when my brain screamed out "You fucking idiot!" but what could I do? I don't want him completely out of my life, hence why I chose to settle for friendship.

Right now I'm completely at a loss. Its like when my gran died. I didn't cry...I tried to be strong...but in this circumstance I've definitely lost the little strength I had left in me. People ask me how I feel, all I can say is "Numb" like the day after I'd cut myself and remove the bandage....that whole area becomes numb, until I get it wet or clean it off. Imagine me still being hung up on 2 people at the same time. One person I'd been in love with since I was 12...almost giving up my whole life to move to New York n be closer...then the other...well its almost self-explanatory if you know me the way no one else would. But to explain it; this person was the one who caught me after Terike threw me off the cliff the first time. At that point in my life I would've done anything to have him back. What's the difference now? I'm not in love with him. Anyone I talked to about it pretty much agreed with me that the relationship was over already, just a matter of time before one of us actually says the word. But that doesn't stop it from hurting any less than it already does right now.

Goddess, if you can hear me...help me to be strong in this time of "bereavement"

Blessed Be.

Confusion

Well what can I say? My internship's over and it was kinda bittersweet. I was glad to leave the slave ship but at the same time devastated about leaving my friends there. Omar, Adrian (both of them) Troy n Theo (yes I called them my friends) Michael, Neville, Matches...all the merchandisers...like uncle Grace n uncle Nestle...n Marlon from Facey, Chad from Wisynco...especially Michael. He's been more part of me than I could ever imagine. And he loves me so very much. I think I do too...cuz throughout this whole thing, I've not once thought about Terike...I mean the separation felt good to the point where I feel so refreshed n whatnot but now I'm conflicted...do I stay with Michael? Or go back to Terike? I dunno.

~Lost~

I think I'm losing myself again. Slowly but surely getting unattached to everything. I feel seriously out of place in every situation imaginable. At work, with my friends; fuck I don't even feel at home in my own house anymore. Its like my mind is here, my body is elsewhere and my heart is even further away from both. Sleep doesn't come easy anymore...Dr. Gabay says he might have to prescribe me sleeping pills again. 


Today I went off on Theo because even though he was playing around, certain things he just shouldn't push and as many times as I told him "Don't push me, don't push me, DON'T FUCKING PUSH ME!" I lost it. No one expected that so I had to walk away n cool off for a minute. Everyone at Hi-Lo sees this innocent smile, semi-attractive body n child-like personality when in truth; I use that to hide my true self. The true self that they see on my arm but are too scared to ask about. 


I don't want anyone to see that side of me, not unless they really close to me. I'm not saying Theo shouldn't be obligated to like; brush past me n ask for a hug like he normally does, but there is a limit to how much bullshit I'm willing to put up with. Just like how I've been hearing about how the merchandiser from Nestle lost his wits one day at work because Neville drew him out, its the same with me. I have a very short fuse and today they learned it. Now He comes to me saying that I'm going around saying that both him n Troy looking me when I said "I wouldn't be surprised if 1 or both of them start look me" and SO SAID, SO FUCKING DONE.... 1 try look me.


So now it seems I can only trust Michael. Uncle Nestle n Sean from Red Stripe are still shell shocked that that much rage can escape from little old me. I'm just tired of the assumptions is all. Honestly, the only thing I can count of to keep my mind in check is flirting with some of the younger merchandisers, like Chad from Wisynco or Marlon from Facey. I don't give em my number or try go too far with it but when I feel a bit dragged down, they make me smile. I don't do much; just a smile every now n then. Sometimes I help Chad stack the shelves, I'll pick Uncle Grace's feather duster n knock Marlon slightly in the back n give him a smile. Same with Adrian n Omar...The little things just seem to put my mind at ease.


My mind is worn out, my body feels week and my heart...I dunno what's left of that. I don't feel connected to it anymore...I've lost my definition of love, the real meaning of my own name.


I'm just...
~Lost~
~Someone Save Me~

Tired

I'm getting tired. Tired of the routine....my eyes are starting to wander again but I don't want a new boyfriend. Where I work, I get flirted with everyday, whether its because of my voice or the fact that I look underage or maybe even the fact that they think I'm attractive (obviously I don't see what they see). Sometimes I flirt back but not with words, with my eyes. When they talk to me, I give them a look that pulls them in. But I don't take their numbers or anything.


I have one person that I can truly just talk to. His name's Michael. He always calls me "Your beautifullness". Its so adorable! I like when he helps me with merchandising work, or even today in the bakery; hell he even got me rum! He sometimes seeks my advice on things, right now he's having a hard time with his gf. He wants to marry her n they're both virgins but it seems he's running out of patience. I don't blame him, all that pent up sexual frustration just not going anywhere. Hell, I'd lose patience too.


Back to my exhaustion. Goddess knows I love Terike but the time apart we spend working at different locations (I'm at Hi-Lo Barbican, he's at Michi SuperCenter) gives me time to get fresh air, so to speak. I don't think about him, I don't have to talk about him. Its almost like he doesn't exist while I'm at work. And all this freedom has gotten me a few eyes and smiles around the store, sometimes I like the attention, other times its annoying. Like sometimes I just wanna do my work without any distractions, but I do feel a bit lonely though and that's when I turn to Michael. He may be a Christian but he can get down with me.


Theo is a character to say the least. Always likes walking extra close to me. I have him to work with tomorrow(I have every intention of switching with Ian tomorrow after he ditched me with Squire) but he's tres` young in attitude, but a year older than me. Him n Matches seem to always team up on me. But then you have Neville down in the warehouse. Now THAT is a character. Always singing n then when he's not singing he's flirting with me, lol. He's okay otherwise so I don't mind the flirts.


-sigh- About 6 more days until I'm done though. What happens after, hopefully if they like me, they'll take me on. If any of the merchandisers like me, maybe they'll take me on. I just have to wait n see what happens. But this is the perfect distraction from Terike.


Blessed Be