New Loves? Let's See

If I were to estimate the time it would take for me to fall out of love with Fox...I wouldn't tell you because I already am. But part of me is afraid to pull the plug. I can think up a few good reasons our relationship doesn't work anymore. And I'll start from the beginning.

1. He's not romantic with me. Why? Because all his romancing days were around the same time I was just starting prep school so he's outgrown it.
2. We don't go out. We've been to 2 raves since we started talking. He doesn't wanna go out with me because (once again) he feels he's outgrown the party scene. The last time I tried to get him to go out with me n he said no, I got robbed. He just has it in his head that he's completely ancient and doesn't wanna do what us young folks are doing.
3. I'm bored. All we do at home is watch movies, have sex, not eat, I have to watch him play X-Box and when I'm tired of all that, I fall asleep, wake up back and he's STILL on the X-Box. There's absolutely nothing to do.
4. I'm beginning to lose interest in him. Why? See reasons 1-3

But now that I've told why it doesn't work, lemme think of reasons why it DOES work

1. He makes me laugh. I mean he's silly like me on occasion and I like that
2. He's been through it and still came out strong and he has a story to tell and I love hearing it.
3. He's taught me things that I doubt I'd be able to grasp on my own had I not met him
4. We can reason...well sometimes. I like having someone to talk to, though most of the time I do all the listening. But I like listening; on occasion.

I'm not entirely sure what to do but I know how I feel. I think the reason I keep waiting is because I feel like if I give it enough time I may really love him again but its been a month already and I still feel nothing. I took my wedding ring off my chain as a test to see if I'd realize that every time I went to get hold of it, it wasn't there. But I don't reach for it anymore. I met some people that I'm really interested in and they bring out the fun side of me. I haven't seen that part of me in a long time and I was beginning to miss that side. The first person I'll call ST (to uphold the privacy) I met ST at a bar one Tuesday night and invited a concert that following Friday. It was a full moon out and we (and most of our other friends) were at our sensual peaks. But not me. Why? Because I was having some health issues so I wasn't quite at my best. But there was an obvious attraction there between us both. The issue was..our age gap. (He's younger than I am, by a decent amount) I only lied to him about one thing though; my relationship status (he still doesn't know) One night he asked if I wanted to get serious with him. I said I couldn't because I'm at a place where I'm trying to find myself. See wheat qualities in me need to change so I can become a better girlfriend when the time comes. So I'd rather take it slow and have fun. So we agreed. But the next week I find out that he's too much of a flirt and a relationship with him would never work because I'd be hurt constantly and he'd never want to to that. I can't get into the complete story cuz I'm strapped for time. Recently we have been getting closer and I feel a lot better than I did in the beginning. We're definitely doing great but we're still not together. That agreement was made that we could never work.

I met another interesting person that makes me feel just as good as ST does. I'll call him AC. I met AC at a club the first time I was there (and if I search my memory bank correctly I'm sure I met him somewhere else too) but then I didn't take much notice really until it was time for me to go home. He was very kind, soft-spoken (which I like) and a conversationalist. I had a slight interest in him then but not enough to be completely taken over. Then the next time I saw him was at a party in "Havendale" that I kinda got dragged to. We got to talking about a certain topic and I gave my honest input and that's where the conversation and closeness grew. He took care of me when I was drunk/high. Made sure that I was fed and hydrated (I'm diabetic for those who don't know) and made sure I got home safely. I'll always be grateful to him for that one gesture because not a lot of people would do that for someone they barely know so his cool points definitely quadrupled right there. We got to "talking" some more and I realize that...I'm really digging this cat. Like he's telling me about what his plans for the future are and what he wants to do before he retired and I'm honestly captivated and motivated to be just like him when I grow up. He has his head on his shoulders, he's gorgeous, granted, not the criteria I'd usually go for in a guy but in his own way he just makes me weak) He brings out the kitten in me *rawr* and I love hearing him talk. BUT him is a hard man fi reach more time. But I understand why cuz he's sooooo busy and I don't want him to miss a beat in his business life because he stopped to talk to me. BUT I would appreciate if he'd acknowledge the fact that people are trying to get a hold of him. But I digress. I feel like I'd want him to keep me and his words were "As long as you keep it real with me, we ain't got no problems" He got me to expose my dark truths, he's seen my true vulnerability and he doesn't judge me. While Fox would tell me to not think about the memories from my dark day, AC tells me to embrace them. Live each moment knowing that THIS is how Ricky would want me to live. Happy. Not caring what anyone thinks of you. Loving everything and everyone but never above yourself. I respect IB very much for giving me that bit of advice. And honestly? I feel myself falling for him a little bit. But I don't wanna jinx anything so I'ma take my time. Get to know him better and see where it all goes. There will come a time when I'd maybe have to choose who I wanna be with.

I'll tell you then what happens.
Blesses Be
Amanda

My Heart Keeps Telling Me Otherwise

I know the risks. I know we’re bad. But for some reason, I can’t find myself despising you. Can’t do what you want, I can’t do what you ask simply because I believe the Fates brought us together. The Goddess herself tasked me with this mission to try to save you from yourself….I’m not running away, I’m not hiding. I’m not a coward. You’re here for a reason; I believe that and until I find out what that reason is or until she tells me that my task is completed I can’t go. I see you. I see through you. There’s something else you refuse to tell me. You have so much more growing to do, as do I even at this point. I said that I needed to figure out who I am as a woman before I could ever consider being in a relationship again and I meant that. But I think you don’t know who you are. Stuck between boy and man. You find yourself internally wanting to do things different but the demon in you wants to give in to the lust. Sometimes lust isn't enough. Sometimes you have to make decisions you know you don’t want to. That’s the key to being an adult. The hard choices that need to be made and how you deal with them

You are a poisonous element to my existence. And I will admit that regardless of your properties, I still find myself attracted to you; your aura is what pulls me in. Your eyes are magnets; they stir up something in me. Something I haven’t felt in about 5 years. I can’t explain it but you do something to me that has never been done in a while. You make me not think about the consequences of my actions. Logic tells me to quit while I’m ahead but my heart keeps telling me otherwise. You’re in my life for a reason. I believe that. And deep down, I think you do too. I don’t love you; I don’t think I ever really did. But at the same time I feel I would lose a lot were you to not be part of my life. I feel that even though you are poison, you’re also an antidote. I feel a sense of completion, might even go as far as saying I feel a sense of security. I dunno how else I can explain it to myself other than you’re both bad…and good for me. I get that now.

Addicted to Poison

Its strange. You meet someone and they obviously fit whatever criteria you have set about the kinda person you'd go for to a T...minus 1 thing: their age. Part of you says this is a bad idea, but you can't help being drawn in by their charisma, the common interests, the heat between you both. So much so that their age doesn't matter anymore. You have an instant connection to this person and an even deeper attraction. But somewhere in the back of your head logic tells you there's something wrong with this person. But of course, you think with your heart and body instead of your mind. You also have a secret; you're already involved with someone else but due to circumstances beyond your control, that dynamic has changed so you venture out to have a bit of fun; all the while not moving too fast. This person you met finds himself really into you, as do you and he asks a daring question. A question you know you can never answer yes to. But you hope that one day you could say yes to him, if he has the patience to wait for you. So you give a neutral response. Take it slow. You feel that's the best thing for right now; and of course he agrees to it. But something changes in him. He's....too friendly. Almost to a point where he doesn't remember how much he likes you. But because you're not a very loud person (and by loud I mean talk up in people face bout how is YOUR man n them bitches need to back off) you just observe; giving him the rope to just hang himself because he knows he hates it when you're upset with him. But eventually you make sure to tell him that that shit ain't cool. Its very disrespectful and it changes your opinion of them, whether you can believe the shit he says from that point forward. You say this because its becoming obvious that you're beginning to grow more feelings because this jealous feeling has never really happened to you before and its strange.

Now he tells you, he thinks he's no good for you because he knows he'll break your heart. But for some reason you think its because he's afraid to let go of that part of him. You've never asked him to change his ways for you, ll that was said is to at least try to turn it down slightly. You know you could never change him and you're not into the art of molding people to be exactly how you want them to be so you stay away from that. He's unwilling to do even that much. Stating that if you can't accept him the way he is then that's on you (which is true) but at the same time, he has the power to make the effort for you and he chooses not to; yet he says he cares deeply for you. From day one you made it clear in your mind that a relationship with this person is out of the question. And deep in your heart you know that had you 2 began a relationship; it would be nothing but lies and deception. He wouldn't be faithful to you and you wouldn't be faithful to him just because of that. He now asks you to hate him. And you find it so hard to do that because he hasn't done anything to you to make you want to hate him and THAT is what he can't understand. And at the same time you can't take no for an answer because you still feel that he's afraid of something. That he's running away from his heart because he doesn't want to hurt you any more than he already has. You give him every opportunity to try and rekindle the original flame between you 2 but he passes them up. There are other people who want you just as bad as he did in the beginning but you only have eyes for him. Now you want to hurt him back, you need at least some form of retribution or justice because you've been wronged. Everyone can see how this makes you feel and they try to tell him that he needs to at least apologize but he won't. 

I don't know why I'm torturing myself like this. He hurts me but....I just wanna feel him the way I did when we first met. I can't be his. I know that. But I can't walk away. I think he came into my life for a reason. The things he told me; they make me think that maybe I came along to save him from himself and I'd like to try doing that. I know I can bring him to the well but getting him to drink the water is a different story. I don't wanna be with him like that anymore. But I do want to help him. I want to feel him. He's poisonous for me but I can't stay away. Its hurts too much when I do. I guess I really am addicted to poison.