Discoveries- December 8, 2012

So I finally met Rhadya (First wife) because according to Islamic law a man is allowed 4 wives. I’m the second…Rhadya is the first n mother of Malakai. 

To be honest I really didn’t wanna because I still feel like she has that advantage over me. Its only natural I feel insecure about that. Also adding to the fact that I might not be able to conceive and maybe he won’t love me as much; that scares me. She says that essentially we are like sisters and the more we bless him with our love, the better he becomes as a man and the more love he gives to us, the better we both become as women. Essentially this whole process is for all 3 of us to help each other because we revolve as a circle, one unit. But I still can’t help feeling out of place in all this now that I’ve seen her face. She has nicknames for him, they been together 10 years, the share Kai but she’s exactly like me..or I’m exactly like her. She took Shahada and he told her the name he picked out for me (Waheeda; meaning Unique)

I not sure how much she really knows but I have to admit that she’s right. We are a family whether I like it or not she is my sister because “that’s what we all are, under Allah. We are all brothers n sisters” And now I know where he got his speech mannerisms from..or the other way around cuz they speak exactly alike; annoyingly so. But right now I still need to wrap my head around the idea of knowing who she is and I guess there was some small comfort in knowing she sometimes feels the same way I do. That move he made could potentially cost him both of us. Meaning he could’ve lost us both but I guess we’re sorta okay with each other now. She says that one thing we have in common is that we both love him

But I dunno if I can get used to sharing him. Not to mention 2 people loving the same person. I know I’m all about free love, yes but being that I just recently really discovered what I been feeling has a name and a definition. I don’t wanna take Shahada because I’ve not accepted the idea of there being a god, be it Allah or Christ. He only embraced the idea of me acknowledging the idea of there being a supreme being that created all this. Or Darwin’s theory. Honestly the latter seems more logical to me. I can’t lie, that’s been my basic stance for 5 years. And I know she asked him why I won’t take it. And I guess I have to learn that she exists and she married him first and I guess she’s not so bad. I not go be all chummy-chummy from day 1. She wants to be able to get me to talk about things I won’t say out loud or to Saadiq and it just doesn’t work that way. Before I speak up; I write it down. Cuz they’re both pushing me to speak n all its doing is pushing me deeper into a box. I love Saadiq obviously n truly. Yeah I’m difficult but that’s part of me. I writ more than I speak and when I do speak, it may sometimes be in volumes; other times it won’t. Just wait it out.

What A Saturday Night- November 17-18, 2012

I believe that I can be happy again after everything that I been through. That I’m more than what happened to me. This person has shown me that he is living proof that someone can rise above their struggles. So many people have told stories of their trouble and how they overcame them and I was always skeptical because I never saw the pain in their eyes as they told their stories so I didn’t immediately believe them but I could see it in his eyes even without seeing his eyes and I believe in my heart that he’s not lying to me and I trust him completely. There is a positive impact coming from him to me and its showing on me and I see that’s he’s giving me the tools to be better and to rise above all the bad things and I love him for that. 

This is something completely different for me. Instead of repeating the same process over and over and getting hurt all over again and wondering why this keeps happening to me I can slow down and just go with the flow with him one day at a time. This journey we’re about to go on, for the most part will be difficult cuz I know that I’m a handful and hot tempered but I have to learn to harness all that fire and pull down my walls so that we can grow together and be more than all the other struggles of the past.

So I know I said January til you get an update on the verbal agreement thing I mentioned recently but…… yeah not January but last night in a nut shell. really n truly it was a double “nikah” (http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Marriage_in_Islam) us…and his brother and his lady couldn’t wait anymore (IDK what is it with them n not sleeping at night cuz a we but such is life) I’m not gonna get into the particulars of the actual process cuz that’s why I left the Wiki link there but long story short the whole thing took 20 minutes. We (myself n “bride #2” not calling no names) each had a representative speak on our behalf as to whether we accept the grooms’ hand in marriage with a particular bridal gift and those reps had to make sure that whatever was promised to us has to be presented in a certain amount of time…mine was less complicated cuz I’m so simple lol. If they accepted the men’s proposal n gift then the only thing left to do was for the men to take our hands and that was that. See its so much less complicated than a Western wedding with the whole pick out date, church, dress n food thing. Just the witnesses and the person conducting the whole thing…and in our case it was their brother (no problem) the weird thing was tho…after the whole thing was over he pulled me by my hair roots n whispered a prayer in my ear…like it was supposed to bless me…n bless the union we just entered. (Im’a definitely get that translated…n no it didn’t hurt) but…the cliff’s notes version is….blushing brides were blushing…but after everything was said and done the 4 of us are happy n -in my case- kinda healthy. Last night was good. Minus forgetting my insulin at Chelsea but that’s another story in itself.

Blessed Be.

Verbal Agreement- November 5, 2012

So…in 2 months I’m entering this relationship with someone via a verbal agreement…in front of witnesses; kinda like a wedding but without the fandangles like a marriage certificate n a white dress. But the explanation I got is that, we go before 3 people. One conducts, 2 witness. We’re both given a brief guideline of the bond being formed, he presents me with his dower (he clearly got the terminologies mixed up.), I accept it and our journey begins. Its more of a husband and wife relationship as opposed to me being his girlfriend and he my boyfriend. But I’m honestly ready to put myself back out there. Rather; I’m ready to give myself completely to this person…he has that maturity I seek in a man and I know he has the ability to teach me things that I at my age can’t understand and I’m willing to be his student in all things.There is this fire that has rivaled any other I’ve ever experienced with anyone else. But even all the red flags that should have pushed me away…after the initial shock n anger…I guess it just stopped bothering me after we both discussed it in a way that would make me understand the kinda man he is. And I’m just drawn to that. He’s so traditional…I feel like a virgin to be completely honest because he’s waiting til after this verbal agreement is made to “bed me” he calls it. He’s told his brothers about me…he’s told his…”companion” about me and I know about her…eventually he’ll tell his son about me and then I’ll meet who I’m supposed to meet. I haven’t told anyone on my side about what’s happening except Gayna because she’s the only person I trust. And I really want her to be a part of this transition I’m making. She’s my best friend. And those 2 are gonna end up in a sit down where I’ll find out whether she approves of him or not.

I believe in my heart that he won’t hurt me and I feel amazingly safe with him. He tells me every day “You truly are absolutely wonderful” and for some reason all I want is to feel the heat of his skin next to mine. I’m ready to submit my body to this man…I’m ready to give my heart to this man with the assurance that he is the one to heal me and make me better than I am now…he yearns for my touch…just as much as I yearn for his “I better hurry my ass up with your Dauri” lol. But for some reason he’s still in disbelief that I’m actually 21 because of the way we’ve been talking. He says he’s never encountered someone like me before and it is affecting him…I’ve never felt this confidence in my entire dating history. We’re both hoping that we can do right by each other and appreciate each other because so far all this feels like such a good thing. He makes me feel like I’m doing the right thing by giving my heart to him.

I’ll update y’all in 2 months. =]