What You Wanna Do

Trying to communicate the gestures,

I'm open to suggestions.

Trying to understand your mind without being accused of invasion.

Cuz there are some parts of your mind that I just cannot touch...

Let me tell you this, baby; I love you so much.

Trying to understand the design,

What's your reason or the rhyme?

The way you think, how you speak, the intimate details, so divine.

I wanna be a part of you.....

So, tell me baby what's the first thing that I need to do?

Your heart is oh, so true

No surprise I'm in love with you

You gave me that good feeling every time I felt so blue

Not to mention that good loving that I'm so addicted to

My heart and my body live exclusively for you.

So take me as I am,

I just wanna be your woman

The one you hold, the one you love, the one who helps and understands

See the determination in my eyes and love in my heart so true

So look at me and tell me baby, what you wanna do?

How Can I?

I have to turn it off. I just have to. I have to turn this burning love I have for Andre off. To move slowly enough. So that we can rebuild something. But how can I? How can I turn my back on those emotions? Longing to hold him, yearning for his kiss. I burn with anticipation, crave to have him inside me again. Nothing else in this world would make me happier than to have him like that. But the whole re-attachment disorder thing kinda fucked that up for me so now I'm going to the square 1 we should've started with from the beginning. So far we've had that initial conversation, getting to know each other. Trying to make jokes. I don't know how long I'll be able to keep this up but I know I have to. I want him to love me. I want him to be in love with me as I'm in love with him. I don't fucking want Terike to come back as a boyfriend to me. I don't. I want Andre. Somebody not many people know and can try to poison his mind against me. Andre's introverted to the 9s to say the least. I want someone I can be invisible with. I maybe have to worry about Courtney n Denile because they know Vernon and if Vernon n the rest of the band were to find out I dunno what the response would be. I want a relationship that can be kept secret. Like with Rory. No one knew we were together. I think I should maybe start with him while I work on Andre. Make him think I'm slowly moving on and getting myself better. All this, I'm doing just for him to see me in a different light. All these lengths I'm going to just for him. But he's worth it. I'm perfectly okay with doing this.

Blessed Be

My Heart Is Broken

I will wander until the end of time torn away from youI pulled away to face the pain. I close my eyes and drift away
Over the fear that I will never find a way to heal my soul and I will wander until the end of time torn away from youMy heart is broken. Sweet sleep, my dark angel. Deliver us from sorrow's hold over my heartI can't go on living this way. I can't go back the way I came. Chained to this fear that I will never find the way to heal my soul and I will wander until the end of the timeHalf alive without youMy heart is broken. Sweet sleep, my dark angel. Deliver us Change, open your eyes to the light I denied it all so long. Oh, so long. Say goodbye, goodbyeMy heart is broken. Release me, I can't hold on. Deliver usMy heart is broken. Sweet dreams my dark angel. Deliver usMy heart is broken. Sweet sleep, my dark angel. Deliver us from sorrow's hold

These words. They touch me deeply. They play out every single awful emotion I've been wanting to express but couldn't find the words. Tomorrow, I'm gonna sing them..granted I'm not gonna document it. But I need to let them be heard from my lips. Its not for anyone to hear. Even though there's one person I want to sing it to, just so he can hear my voice and feel the words as they flow from me. I want him to feel what I feel.

Blessed Be

Turned Tables

Okay now I've had too many weird encounters since Friday night. So after almost 3 years since our break up, Ed comes up to me and apologizes for the way he handled things then. Of course I forgave him....that's all I wanted to hear from him. I never held any grudges, I never hated him. I love him that much. I never stopped loving him.

Flash forward to Sunday. Yuffy comes along...his initial story was he wanted to try n help me, of course I called his bluff. But today he comes to me with a different story. He tried to kill himself because of all the bullshit he did to me n Rochelle (his ex) and honestly...I couldn't turn my back on him like that. The boy was a fucking manic depressive; I've never seen him like this before. He turned into me...and I turned into Andre when Terike left me. I feel so bad for him, he really loved her but of course his usual antics decided to rear their ugly head n got him in trouble. She kept him in check n now that she's gone...he has no one. He wants what I want. To feel loved, to feel wanted. To know that there's someone out there that cares for him. His friends aren't helping (no surprise there) so he came to me...knowing that I'd be so accepting and open but still careful. I showed him the affection he so desperately needed and I think that scratched the surface a little bit. I'm glad I can help where I can...but he wants the physical gratification of feeling me. But right now I can't because I'm physically incapable of doing that right now (aunt Rose) but he still doesn't need that. As much as he said it'd help him a little. I just can't.... I'm doing what Andre did to me; trying to be his friend. Loving him, but not the way he wants to be loved. Only Rochelle can do that. But I can give him my love (since no one else will take it) and hope I don't get the fuck over again but to how I saw him today I know he prolly won't.

I'm slowly getting used to the idea of being single ...Terike hasn't come to me with his confirmation so I'm "living it up" in a sense. I still wanna be with Andre, I love him, but he doesn't. And he won't take me. I gotta go smoke this off...

Blessed Be