But now is the real test. He's moving away. And while I'd love to go with him; I can't yet. Because he doesn't know WHERE he's going yet, then he'd have to make sure that wherever he goes has a pharmacy nearby so I could get my meds easy...and a clinic for my check up. He hasn't left yet...but its becoming harder and harder for me to go back there without thinking that one day very soon I won't be able to go back over there, can't say "I going home for the weekend". And every time I call him I just end up crying after because it hurts so bad. Between trying not to fall back into depression n watching Kitara, there isn't much room for myself. What I'd love is to hang out with the people I consider a vital part of my existence so at least I won't feel so lonely when he really does leave. Or at least some understanding as to how I feel. I remember Fox said to me that we both lost our "great loves" already. I lost mine when Ricky died, and I know when he lost his and who he lost. But I think when he moves, I'd have lost another "great love"
The uncertainty is what scares me the most. Followed by the thought of him maybe finding another wife, one who does the things I don't. Even though he says that even with those key points missing from me; that's what he likes about me. (don't ask) Like today I called him after I had a blackout and halfway into the phone call I start crying (he didn't know though) and when I got off, I just broke down and cried for about an hour. I have...had this friend I confided in...like I'd tell him the parts of my relationship that I didn't understand or felt like I wasn't crazy for thinking some of the things I thought when a certain situation went down. Looking back at the conversation now; I do understand where he was coming from with some of the things he said to me. But at the time what I needed was a shoulder, or some words of comfort to ease my pain for the moment. And it upset me greatly that he wouldn't give me that (at least I thought he didn't) but I think in his own way he did comfort me. With the harsh reality that I need to realize that he won't always be there for me. That he won't always come and hold me while I cry or listen to me rant about how much of a bitch this one was. I know now that he and Fox are one in the same when it comes to me. Fox is the voice of reason that I tend to not listen to, and my friend is the echo that I end up listening to and comparing what he said to what Fox said and finally realizing that they both do this because they love me. Each in his own way.
I dunno If I'll show my friend this blog post. But if I do decide to; if we were face to face right now, the one thing I could think to say is that I'm sorry for over reacting the way I did. I was hurt, and feeling empty and just wanted someone to comfort me even for a little while. And that I know that I do mean a lot to him even if we don't spend time together because he's so pre-occupied. And the last thing I think I'd say to him is that I love him for loving me the way he does.
I'm an emotional roller coaster at times; hormonal at best...a tease for the most part. But one thing that can always be said about me, I have an old soul and a big heart. I love anyone who makes me see what I'm doing wrong with myself and show me (I'm not good at reading between the lines so I'm thick headed there) how I can maybe change. And accept me even with the things that are almost impossible to change.
So; Fox...and Chris... I love you
Amanda.
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