Its strange. You meet someone and they obviously fit whatever criteria you have set about the kinda person you'd go for to a T...minus 1 thing: their age. Part of you says this is a bad idea, but you can't help being drawn in by their charisma, the common interests, the heat between you both. So much so that their age doesn't matter anymore. You have an instant connection to this person and an even deeper attraction. But somewhere in the back of your head logic tells you there's something wrong with this person. But of course, you think with your heart and body instead of your mind. You also have a secret; you're already involved with someone else but due to circumstances beyond your control, that dynamic has changed so you venture out to have a bit of fun; all the while not moving too fast. This person you met finds himself really into you, as do you and he asks a daring question. A question you know you can never answer yes to. But you hope that one day you could say yes to him, if he has the patience to wait for you. So you give a neutral response. Take it slow. You feel that's the best thing for right now; and of course he agrees to it. But something changes in him. He's....too friendly. Almost to a point where he doesn't remember how much he likes you. But because you're not a very loud person (and by loud I mean talk up in people face bout how is YOUR man n them bitches need to back off) you just observe; giving him the rope to just hang himself because he knows he hates it when you're upset with him. But eventually you make sure to tell him that that shit ain't cool. Its very disrespectful and it changes your opinion of them, whether you can believe the shit he says from that point forward. You say this because its becoming obvious that you're beginning to grow more feelings because this jealous feeling has never really happened to you before and its strange.
Now he tells you, he thinks he's no good for you because he knows he'll break your heart. But for some reason you think its because he's afraid to let go of that part of him. You've never asked him to change his ways for you, ll that was said is to at least try to turn it down slightly. You know you could never change him and you're not into the art of molding people to be exactly how you want them to be so you stay away from that. He's unwilling to do even that much. Stating that if you can't accept him the way he is then that's on you (which is true) but at the same time, he has the power to make the effort for you and he chooses not to; yet he says he cares deeply for you. From day one you made it clear in your mind that a relationship with this person is out of the question. And deep in your heart you know that had you 2 began a relationship; it would be nothing but lies and deception. He wouldn't be faithful to you and you wouldn't be faithful to him just because of that. He now asks you to hate him. And you find it so hard to do that because he hasn't done anything to you to make you want to hate him and THAT is what he can't understand. And at the same time you can't take no for an answer because you still feel that he's afraid of something. That he's running away from his heart because he doesn't want to hurt you any more than he already has. You give him every opportunity to try and rekindle the original flame between you 2 but he passes them up. There are other people who want you just as bad as he did in the beginning but you only have eyes for him. Now you want to hurt him back, you need at least some form of retribution or justice because you've been wronged. Everyone can see how this makes you feel and they try to tell him that he needs to at least apologize but he won't.
I don't know why I'm torturing myself like this. He hurts me but....I just wanna feel him the way I did when we first met. I can't be his. I know that. But I can't walk away. I think he came into my life for a reason. The things he told me; they make me think that maybe I came along to save him from himself and I'd like to try doing that. I know I can bring him to the well but getting him to drink the water is a different story. I don't wanna be with him like that anymore. But I do want to help him. I want to feel him. He's poisonous for me but I can't stay away. Its hurts too much when I do. I guess I really am addicted to poison.
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